When Love is Unwanted
by jaspersvalentine
Summary: It's two years after Edward Leaves Bella in New Moon. She has moved on to the best of her ability and is now using music as an outlet for everything. The Cullens come back, but Bella doesn't want Edward back anymore. What will she do to convince him?
1. Chapter 1 They're Back

A/N- Here it is... The beginning of the end. This is the first fanfic story that I had ever published, and now I am re-writing it, re-publishing it, and then I am going on a very long writing hiatus until I find some inspiration again. For those of you who have read this story up to chapter 12 before: this first chapter has a few slight changes in the BPOV, nothing life changing, but I also added a short EPOV because I felt as though he needed a voice. Anyone new joining? I hope you enjoy it! As always review if you would like to... its just always nice to hear from the readers and see what they are thinking! Thanks

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**Chapter 1 They're Back**

**Bella's POV**

August 2010

I looked around the small coffee shop that was hosting the open mic night in Seattle. Then my eyes landed on a table that housed five very gorgeous people. Two girls and three guys. Wait.. it couldn't be. Cullen's?

My head snapped back to the table in an instant and there sat Alice and Edward staring at me. Alice all bubbly, bouncing up and down and Edward wore a sorry excuse for a smile. This made me irate; whom did they think they were, to show up after two years.

That's right it had been two years since Edward left me in the forest. I finished my senior year and started college at the local community college. My grades slipped a lot in the first four months after he left so there was no chance of me going to any school other than a community college.

"Bells, Earth to Bella", I came back to the present to have Jake's huge hand snapping in front of my face. He had a huge smile; he obviously hadn't seen what had caught my attention.

"You ready Bells? We're up next." He stood up and put out his hand to help me out of my seat, yes remember me? Still clumsy as hell. I reached out and took the offering. Me and the guys were plying at this coffee shop for the second time in the year.

The last time we played the owner had called us a week later begging us to come back again. Even though we didn't get paid we loved doing it because it was a way for us to vent.

We got on stage and got situated. I took my seat at the drum set and set up my mic as well. Yes I played drums and could sing, who new. I may be uncoordinated, but I seem to be very gifted in the music department.

As I sat down I remembered the first time I played the drums.

_March 2009_

_Charlie had taken me over to the Blacks so that he could visit with Billy. Their car was broken down and Jake was working on it so Charlie decided to go to La Push. Unfortunately since my incident the prior month I wasn't really allowed to be alone._

_Jake was waiting on the steps and my dad told us to go "hang out". I hadn't really talked to Jake much since prom my Junior year. I hadn't seen him at all since Edward left, and Sam found me in the forest._

_His friends were all set up in the garage with music and guitars, but no one was on the lonely drum set. Jake led me over to them and kind of showed me how to use them, the basics at least. Then he bent down close to my ear and whispered, "listen to our lead for as long as you need and then play out your, emotions it will help, trust me"._

_His warm breath made me blush and he had a huge smile on his face. I had no intention of playing so I just listened and watched them for the first song. Then during the second song something came over me and I started playing._

_It felt so good and I felt alive, ever since then I don't go a day without doing something musical. Whether it's the drums, singing, or trying to learn the guitar I felt alive. That's right Quil is teaching me the guitar too._

_The rest is strictly history._

Once everything was situated I looked to Jake. He just nodded his head indicating that I should do the introductions. I don't do it often because although I can get up on stage in front of people it's strictly musical. When I'm behind the drums, guitar, or even just the mic it's just me and the music. It's like no one else is there. I live for the feeling.

"Hey everyone I'm Izzy, and these are my boys! We're The Shifters." The boys laughed lightly at our name. "Today we are going to start off with something we didn't write, but seems appropriate. We Are Broken by Paramore."

It always looked as though I had on makeup while I was on stage; which is a lot better than it use to be. I use to blush widely, but Jake has helped out with that by telling me to just act like no one else is there. I started with the cymbals to count the others in, and the boys joined in a little later.

Then I began to bear my soul to everyone including the Cullen's.

**I am outside**

**And I've been waiting for the sun**

**With my wide eyes**

**I've seen worlds that don't belong**

**My mouth is dry with words I cannot verbalize**

**Tell me why we live like this**

**Keep me safe inside**

**Your arms like towers**

**Tower over me**

**Yeah**

**Cause we are broken**

**What must we do to restore**

**Our innocence**

**And oh, the promise we adored**

**Give us life again cause we just wanna be whole**

**Lock the doors**

**Cause I like to capture this voice**

**it came to me tonight**

**So everyone will have a choice**

**And under red lights**

**I'll show myself it wasn't forged**

**We're at war**

**We live like this**

**Keep me safe inside**

**Your arms like towers**

**Tower over me**

**Cause we are broken**

**What must we do to restore**

**Our innocence**

**And oh, the promise we adored**

**Give us life again cause we just wanna be whole**

**Tower over me**

**Tower over me**

**And I'll take the truth at any cost**

**Cause we are broken**

**What must we do to restore**

**Our innocence**

**And oh, the promise we adored**

**Give us life again cause we just wanna be whole**

With our finish everyone started clapping and cheering. After it quieted down a little bit we started doing some songs that were our originals. Jake and I had written a lot of songs together. Some were about he pack, but a lot were mine with my raw emotions.

Writing music was another outlet for me; another way that Jake had helped me find to be able to move past my depression and almost be whole again.

I looked over at the Cullen's and I could tell that they knew the songs were mine they all looked so sad, even Rose was sad looking. Poor Jasper looked like he was dying of pain. Even though I knew it hurt him I couldn't stop, this was my outlet and it would not be taken away like everything else was.

I knew they were coming back to town, but why were they here, in this shop, tonight watching me? What did they want? Did they want to say sorry? As impossible as that sounded in my head I had to know.

By the end of our set I had made up my mind I would go up to them and ask straight out what they wanted and why they were here.

**EPOV**

We were going to see her tonight. Alice had seen something and we all decided that we needed to make sure she was okay.

So here I am sitting here, looking at the most beautiful girl I had ever met. Then she starts scanning the room. Her eyes land on us for a millisecond, but nothing seems to register. I am glad for this because I could not stand it if, when I look into her eyes, I saw hatred. It would absolutely end me.

I could hear them thinking, the _boys_ that were sitting next to her. There was something off about them, they seemed different from everyone else in here, but I couldn't quite get a hold on what that difference was. All I could do was keep listening to their thoughts. The were performing, not just the _boys_, but Bella as well. I couldn't wrap my mind around it.

Then I saw her head snap back again. She looked confused, I knew that she remembered. After these two years she remembered us, and me leaving. I just hope she can forgive me I need her forgiveness so badly.

They got up and she started to speak in to the microphone. _Oh how I have missed that voice._ Even my perfect vampire memory does not do this voice justice.

Then she started to sing and I nearly flew at her, we needed to speak immediately.

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A/N- the next chapter will be up on Friday the 10th at the latest... if I get it up sooner great, but definitely no later... if one of you do review, feel free to remind me to update because I am super busy and can easily forget :) Thanks ya'll


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N- Hey everyone! I know I said that I was going to post this on the 10th, and I am so sorry for the delay, truly I am. Life just kind of got in the way, as it seems to do... Thankfully pretty soon I will have time to just sit down and work on my writing for actual full days.. The only reason I didnt post on the 10th was that I had a final and my last two finals are tomorrow and Tuesday! So I am excited to be done with school and to have the next five weeks off. I hope you enjoy this chapter. **

**For continuing readers, all I really did was add an EPOV and changed some of the grammar errors.**

**Enjoy!**

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**Chapter 2 Answers?**

**Bella's POV**

After our set was done we thanked the audience, and the guys grabbed their guitars so we could walk off the stage. Jake picked me up in a big bear hug that lifted me off the ground and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I blushed naturally, "you were great Bells, I'll never get over how wonderful you sound".

"Yeah Jake I'm a natural Christina". We all laughed at this, but I stiffened in Jake's grasp when I looked up and saw the Cullen's gaping at me in Jake's arms and a very, very disturbed looking Edward. I wonder what had him so pissed off?

"Jake, you can put me down now!", I tried to glare at him, but he was so cute with his puppy dog eyes. "Sorry Bells, you know how excited I get after a show."

This was true he was usually so excited that he would carry me out to the car on his back and all the guys would usually end up dog pilling me before the night was over. Then if all of his energy wasn't gone they would go off running or something. Yeah I know they are big puppy dogs aren't they?

"I know Jake. Hey do you guys mind going and waiting outside by the car? I have something I need to take care of." I gave them the best innocent/pleading look I had in me. At this they all raised an eyebrow, which made me burst out laughing. "Okay come on please guys I'll be two seconds. Promise". I held up my pink to Jake to give him pinky promise and he just laughed along with the rest of the guys.

"Okay Bells sure. But uh… Do you mind if I ask what this is about?" Of course he would ask me that. I knew this wouldn't be easy, but I didn't know I would have to come right out and say it. I looked over at the Cullen table and they all seemed to be waiting, but Alice seemed almost impatient. Jake followed my gaze and then he growled. I knew this wouldn't be good…

"Jake not here were in public just let me go and talk to them for two seconds, come on you're not my dad, I'll be right out!" He looked at me and then sighed in submission.

"Fine Bella, but I'm walking by them on my way out to let them know I'll be right outside". I just raised my eyebrow questioningly at them. I knew if the Cullen's wanted to they would have no problem with sneaking me out the back or something.

"Fine Jake whatever makes you feel better. You might want to cover the back entrance as well big boy!" With three gaping guys just standing in place I slowly made my way over to where the Cullen's were sitting. Then I finally felt Jake's hand on the lower part of my back and that let me know they were fallowing me.

Even though I didn't want a scene or anything I was still really nervous about doing this by myself. I hadn't seen them in over two years and now I was finally going to confront them. This would probably be the scariest night in my life. Even scarier than the night Victoria came after me.

Jake pointed his finger right in Edwards face and I heard him hiss at Jake. "We will be right outside covering both exits, so don't try anything funny leech." I rolled my eyes at Jake's need to assert himself in front of my vampire-ex-boyfriend. I got it, he was angry at Edward for hurting me, but at the same time it was hard to understand why he still cared. I mean I was with him wasn't I? At least as much as I could be.

"Okay dog, if she wants to go back to you she will be out when she is done". How could he think I wouldn't want to go back with them, they were my friends, and what right did he have to even assume that I would want to leave with him? With that said Jake just scoffed loudly and walked away with Quil and Embry close behind him.

I looked up timidly from the floor and directly at Alice. I was pretty sure that she was the only one that I had the nerve to talk to. "Hey Alice, what's up? What are you doing here?" She just smiled slightly and came forward and wrapped her arms around me. I stiffened slightly, but the hug was familiar and after a second I relaxed into it. I could feel her smile against my arm and it made me smile.

"I missed you." With that said I pulled back a little confused, all I could muster up with all of my literary intelligence was a breathy "Huh?".

She giggled a little and took a step back. "Sorry I was just stating the obvious. Now to answer your question I had a vision of you last week and I got scared, since we were coming back to Forks I decided I would check up on you."

I stood there speechless I looked at the rest of the faces and they were all somber including Edwards. I finally gathered the strength to talk. "A vision huh?"

Alice nodded her head and Jasper wrapped his arm around her tightly, no doubt trying to comfort her. She looked hurt like someone had killed her puppy dog or something.

"Why don't we sit." I looked to Jasper, he had never really spoken around me, so his voice was foreign but relaxing none the less. I scooted out the extra chair and sat in between Alice and Rose, Edward sitting in between Jasper and Emmet, across the table from me.

"Okay so you said you had vision that scared you?" I looked at her with my eyebrow raised, surprisingly I was actually genuinely curious as to why any vision of me would worry any of them. She took a deep breath even though she didn't need one, but before she could talk someone else cut her off.

"In her vision she saw you coming here, but then everything went black, so we decided to come and check on you. We were all-" Before he could finish his sentence I raised my hand near his face. I couldn't stand to hear that velvety voice right not. Of all things I did not need to break down, it had been two years since I had first heard that voice and besides that my dad and Jake had barely gotten over my last breakdown that happened last month.

"Firstly I was talking to Alice, secondly I do not want to hear that you were worried about me. No need to be friendly towards me I do not need your pity. You are actually the last person I want to see right now." He stated to open his mouth to say something, but I cut him off again by preparing to stand. Alice intercepted my move by grabbing my wrist. She wasn't looking at me though she was looking t Edward.

She seemed to be pleading with him. He nodded once and then she looked at me with a slight smile. "He wont interrupt any more I promise. Just sit so I can tell you what I saw, or more of what I didn't see okay?" Now she was pleading with me and for some reason I still felt like I had an obligation to her, I still considered her a friend, even though she never contacted me after they left. And I could see it in her eyes too that she felt the same way.

So I got comfortable again and nodded my head curtly towards her for her to continue. "So like I was about to say. I had a vision of you coming here and then all of a sudden everything got fuzzy I just couldn't see you. Normally this type of thing only happens when someone dies, so I told Carlisle and since we were going to be here anyways we decided to come keep and eye on you. We weren't really sure what or who would get to you. You know since Victoria is still-".

This time I had to cut her off. They had missed so much and had no clue. They obviously didn't know that the boys at La Push had become wolves, and they had no clue about Victoria. "Victoria is dead." I wanted to leave it at that but everyone leaned forward with a questioning stare. Jeez another thing I have to explain before I get my answers; this whole situation was begging to be very unfair in my direction.

"What are you talking about Bella? We didn't get her remember" Emmett looked at me like I had a third eye or something.

"Yeah Bella are you feeling okay?" Jasper looked like he was searching for something, maybe there is an emotion that screams crazy? If he did find it, it wouldn't have anything to do with my knowing that Victoria is dead.

"What I am talking about is the fact that Victoria is dead." They were still staring at me so I decided I would give them the shortest possible answer. "Well she was after me. After you guys left." Alice looked very pained by this news. I decided I would continue before anyone spoke. "So yeah, some friends found out and they helped me, they watched over me and when she attacked they took care of it. End of story. Now can I get some answers? You guys are the ones who are coming in my space, so I need answers and fast. I don't really have the patience to sit and chew the big one with all of you right now."

"Friends, what friends?" Ah it's that velvety voice again, my delusions did not do it justice at all. I turned to look at him, he had a pained kind of concerned look on his face. I couldn't help but feel bad. I wanted to take away whatever was causing him pain.

"Well you know Jake, and the two guys that were with me right now?" They all nodded so I continued. "Well I cant tell you how, but they were the ones that helped along with some others from La Push.

Emmett was the one to speak this time, "the wolves?" It was a low whisper meant for only our table and the buzz of conversation surrounding us served as a muffler.

"How did you know about that? It only happened after you guys left. Well actually Sam changed a while ago, but it happened to the others after you left." I felt really bad for talking about Jake and the guys like this. No one who was in their inner circle was really supposed to divulge any information about them. I figured since Emmett guessed, just like I did when I found out, that it wouldn't be a problem.

Besides really who would they tell. Would they say "Oh by the way the guys at La Push are wolves and we're vampires?" No I didn't think they would it would be suicide. I was brought out of my train of thought by a beautifully angry voice. "You're hanging out with dogs? Do you have any idea how dangerous that is?" I looked at him and I swear for being over a hundred years old he sure was incredulous at times.

"Is it more dangerous than dating a vampire who quote 'Vants to suck your blood'?" My little comment elicited a laugh from Emmett. I had to smile at that, Emmett was always laughing in the most serious times.

"Bella that's not the same, they can hurt you. I forbid you from seeing them!" No. He. Didn't.

"You. Forbid me. From seeing someone? Oh that's just lovely." As I said this I pointed between him and I, then I stood up preparing to make my exit. "You Edward, have no right whatsoever to tell me who I can or can not spend time with. You lost that right when you left me to die in the forest. Make sure to ask people about how I was after you left. I want you to see my pain and hurt, because it may be gone now but it took a long time to get over, but that's just it; I'm over it now."

I looked around the table and everyone looked hurt which in turn made me feel bad, but I wasn't going to cave so I decided to be honest with them and myself. "Look people don't get me wrong I still love all of you", at this Alice smiled widely. "But. I do not want you, Edward in my life right now. Alice I want to talk to you once I get back to Forks, but I am staying here in the city with Jake this weekend. So I'll call your house when I'm in town and we can get together for coffee, but right now I have to go. Tell Carlisle and Esme I said hello and I hope to see them soon."

With that I bent down to give Alice a hug as she nodded her acceptance to me, then I made my way towards the door without a look back.

**EPOV**

They finished their set and Bella was talking to her _guys_ as they seemed to be affectionately termed by all the….

What the- did Jake just growl at me, that's weird… I could feel his anger, but it wasn't completely focused it was aimed at me and my family, but it seemed to jump back and forth between what I had done to Bella and my families-

No they couldn't be, she must have told him about us..

As they approached us I knew how I could find out for sure. I called him dog, it didn't get as much of a response out of him as I thought it would, so I figured I would let it be until I could talk to Bella. She must know the repercussions of telling people about us. I thought I had made it clear.

Jake finally left, and as Alice started talking with Bella she seemed to ignore everyone else. I tried to get a word in edge wise, but she actually cut me off and implied that I had no right to speak.

She was definitely still angry. I had no clue what I could do to rectify that, but it needed to be done and quickly. I was still in love with her and nothing, nothing would ever change that.

Then she hinted that she had friends that took care of Victoria. The only two creatures who had the ability to take care of a vampire was- a. another vampire, or b. a wolf. I didn't want to consider Bella hanging around either of those types (yes I am a hypocrite).

Then Emmett voiced the fact that it would have been the wolves and I was more than slightly upset. I didn't know why I said it, or why I thought she would listen, but I forbid her from being around them. Of course that went over quiet pleasantly. It definitely ended our conversation and I knew I would be paying for that later in the form of Alice.

Bella made plans to see and talk to Alice again. She even made a reference to seeing our parents in the future. Throughout all of this though, she quickly made it very clear that she no longer loved me or wanted anything to do with me.

I would do everything in my power to change this…

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**A/N The next chapter WILL be up by Friday the 17th.. I have Wednesday and Thursday free! No more school, plus its already done so it should make it easy to post it quickly, I just have a couple of things I want to change. See you then!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 Relationships**

**A/N- For my continuing readers, I added an EPOV, but other than that all I did was fix grammar and things of that sort. **

**I hope everyone enjoys this chapter.**

**Next Week is Christmas, and I am so excited to get to see family and just laugh and hang out with them! I'll have the next chapter up by the 22nd.. It's basically done, I just wanted to re-read it again and then maybe add a thing or two. See You Then!**

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**Bella POV Relationships**

As I reached the door I could see the guys around the two cars we came in. I was pretty sure the Cullen's wouldn't follow me since I promised Alice I would call when I got back to Forks, but you never know with vampires. I had a sinking feeling that I shouldn't have told them about the wolves; I know they are going to want me to elaborate on everything.

It was just so natural for me to bring up the wolves, well I guess technically Emmet brought up the subject, but still I felt bad. I had elaborated on the subject when I could have just gotten up and walked away. In a way though I guess I was just letting them know the treaty is in affect because I told the guys about the Cullen's. Even though they knew what they were, they didn't know who they were and that is what I let the guys in on.

I still can't get over the fact the Edward forbid me from seeing the guys. I mean why would it even matter to him. If it was Alice I would understand, even though I would not listen to her. Alice was my friend and she would just be trying to protect me. Edward was no longer anything to me. The guys were family to me. I had spent every day there since the first day I started the drums.

"You ready?" At those words I realized I had reached Jake and the guys; Jake had his arm around my shoulders with a worried look on his face.

"Yeah Jake I'm ready to go, but I was thinking can we just go home instead of staying in the city? I mean we don't really have to play tomorrow night, and I just kind of want to get back home. Please?" I looked up at him and I knew he could see it in my eyes that something was wrong. I hated that people could see right through me. It never turned out to be a good thing. Well I guess with Jake it could be considered a good thing because he could tell when I was having a hard time and he could always manage to cheer me up.

Even though Jake and I were not dating we were very close. We held hands, on bad nights when I couldn't sleep because of my continuing dreams I still had, he would stay with me and just hold me. We even kissed a few times, but it was all innocent. It would be a peck on the cheek, rarely the lips, and never anything open mouth like I had always tried to pull on Edward. I knew how Jake felt for me and I felt bad leading him on, but he is always there for me and if I could make him happy like he has made me; then maybe one day I will give in and be with him. Being married to Jake wouldn't be bad at all; it would be like living with your best friend, but with perks. The perks was a different story though because I was in no way ready to think of that type of a relationship right now. A sexual relationship was something I hadn't thought about with Jake. I mean if we were to get married it would happen, but I think in the back of my mind I would always feel bad for not giving myself to him completely. I would always be holding back the part of me that still is on reserve for Edward. No matter how much I hate him, I don't think my heart will get over him completely.

"You okay Bells? I mean it's fine if we go home I just want to make sure it's not because of the Cullen's." I looked up with him and I could tell he thought Edward had said or done something that had hurt me. So I said the only thing that I knew would make him feel better, "Yeah Jake I'm good I just don't feel good, drive me home and I'll tell you what happened. Okay?" With this he got a sad smile. Even though he didn't want to know, he still wanted to know. It was a very complicated situation. He wanted to know that I was okay; which consisted of knowing what was said, but at the same time he didn't want to intrude on my life and make me feel like I had to tell him.

We got into the car after saying goodbye to the other guys and Jake drove off. As I stared off out the window at the passing trees, I once again got lost in my thoughts. This seemed to be a recurring theme for me tonight. Reminiscing in the past, unable to focus on the future.

All that I could seem to think about was all the ways that I had felt pain after Edward left and how Jake had been there to hold me together and he still seems to be here. He knows I still love Edward, that Edward will always be there haunting my dreams and sometimes my waking life. Yet Jake stays, and tries to get me to come around and see how much he can offer me. I know Jake loves me and I love him too, but I am not in love with him. I do not think that I will ever be in love with him.

"So what happened Bells?" Jake was very serious, and although I knew it was out of concern for my welfare, it still seemed to agitate me. I began to recount what happened verbatim to Jake. He took it all in without interruption. He had learned not to interrupt me last year during one of my rants or as my dad and Jake like to call it my last breakdown. After I finished he just gave me a slight nod to know that he had heard me.

I had also learned a little while back not to interrupt his train of thought when it came to the Edward situation. I'm not going to say that we talk about Edward a lot, because up until a few months ago I could barely even think his name let alone say it out loud. It was just recently since we found out they were coming back that we had started discussing it.

Our conversations were always the same, but with a few new words or thoughts added in. Basically Jake thought that as soon as I saw Edward I would take him back with open arms and leave Jake in the wind. I had made up my mind the moment I heard the news that there was no way I would ever be able to just open my arms and take him back. Even if he did want me back, which according to him he had never wanted me and I was just another "thing" to help him pass the time. I still would need lots of time and a lot proof that it wouldn't happen again. Although, now thinking about it, since he said he never wanted me in the first place I cannot really see myself taking him back. I mean who says that?

We finally got to my house and Jake cut the engine. I looked around and didn't see the cruiser; that's when I remembered that since I was going to be gone for the weekend my dad decided he would go to Billy's to go fishing and do "man tings". Yup that's my dad, hide your emotions and be a man. I smiled a little at the thought…

"Do you want me to stay tonight?" Jake looked at me and I smiled slightly, but I really took it into consideration. Jake took my moment of silence in the wrong way and quickly began to back track. "I mean I don't have to stay I just figured that maybe you would want me to stay tonight you know? It might make you feel batter?"

I looked at my hands in my lap and then looked up at him with as much of a smile as I could muster. "Sure Jake, of course I want you to stay. With the Cullen's back you never know who might try to come through my window." Jake, being Jake, immediately clammed up at that little admission. He hated the fact that I had slept in that bed, where we sometimes sleep, with Edward.

I just sighed and got out of the car going to open my front door. Jake followed with out another word. He sat on the sofa while I went and grabbed a couple of Cokes. "Jake if I fall asleep and you want something to eat; there are plenty of leftovers in the fridge okay?" He looked over at me and nodded and then stared back at the T.V, he was watching some late night comedy show. "Do you want to talk about it?" I asked and turned towards him. He looked at me for a second with a hurt expression and then turned back to the T.V. once again.

"No Bells I don't need to talk about it. Can I just watch T.V. and hold you?" I couldn't help but smile at the question and the way that he sheepishly asked it. It was very clear that he understood that we weren't together and he couldn't just grab me at his will. This made me feel a little better about the way things were going. No matter what he always understood when I needed my boundaries. I nodded my head and complied by curling up into his side. I knew I would fall asleep from the warmth and probably wake up with a kink in my neck, but I didn't care. In this moment I was content to be where I was.

As I nodded off to sleep, I couldn't help but think about tomorrow. Jake would have to go home and talk with the pack, and I had already promised Alice I would call her and that we could talk. So I was a little worried. I knew anything I said to her, her brother could dig for and find out.. But at the same time I wasn't sure if that made me angry or happy. It makes me angry because he would know everything; me and Jake, school, my family, my suicidal thoughts, my breakdowns. If Alice was willing to listen I planned on telling her all of this. I needed her back in my life; she was a good friend and I know we are meant to stay friends for as long as I am alive.

I will not let Edward stand in the way of that. Right before everything went black and I drifted off I felt Jake put a kiss to my head, and I knew in that moment everything would be okay. I could get through tomorrow and everyday after that as long as I had people like Jake in my life. People who didn't judge me because of what happened and what will happen, and people who would no matter what be by my side.

**EPOV**

I knew I shouldn't have, but I couldn't help it. I just needed to know that she made it home okay. I was running through the brush across from her house. As soon as I reached a clearing, I slowed to a normal human pace, but made sure no one was looking. I definitely could not have people calling the cops to the chief's house because of someone looking suspicious.

I made it around to the side of the house unnoticed. She wasn't in her bedroom. The light was off. I went around towards the living room and noticed a little light coming through because the T.V. was on. Then I spotted them.

They were on the sofa together. His arm was around her. Had I lost her completely? Was the damage un-repairable? I didn't want to contemplate it any longer. I ran for as long as I could without thinking. I made it halfway through Canada before I couldn't hold my thought at bay any longer.

I had no idea what I would need to do to get her back, but something had to work. We had been so happy together. Couldn't she see that this _dog_ was a poor excuses for a replacement. I would have been more pleased if I would have come back and found her in the arms of Mike Newton.

At that I realized I needed to get back home. I didn't want her with anyone else, but myself. I would fight till the death if that's what it took. I needed to talk to Alice. See what she could see. If anything..


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N Hey, I want to apologize for the late update, last week was crazy. I never realized how hard it was to prepare a house for a weekend away... anyways I forgot my computer when I left so I couldn't work on the story. I decided not to add anything to this chapter.. I just changed a couple of grammar errors. I do not want to promise anything, but I want to make up my late update to you... so I am going to get right to work on chapter five and hopefully it will be up tomorrow, but definitely Wednesday.. I have to go out of town again next week (my first trip ever to vegas!) I plan to take my laptop and work on writing at least one day while I am there because I will be cooped up in the hotel room on the 4th :(**

**Anyways here's the chapter I hope you enjoy and I will be seeing you again soon.  
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Chapter 4 Unwanted Answers and Invitations

Sometime in the middle of the night I felt warm arms pick me up. I know I stirred little, but I'm not sure how coherent I was all I heard was someone telling me, "its okay, go back to sleep". I remember being put in my bed and then it felt like someone had joined me. So when I woke up, I wasn't too surprised to see Jake passed out beside me.

He is always so cute when he is asleep. With the way his head is tilted back and his mouth is just slightly opened so you can hear his little snoring sound. I was tangled up in his arms, and this seems to be the only part I hate about having him over. I never really want to wake him, but I always really need to get to the bathroom right after I wake up. Unfortunately he holds me like a child holds their beloved teddy bear tight and unrelenting.. It would be really cute if it weren't so damn annoying.

So I started the ritual of trying to wiggle free, trying not to wake him, but I knew that he would not let go until he woke up. I sighed in defeat and decide to just go ahead and wake him up. "Jake!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. I learned early on when these little sleepovers started that he only woke up if it sounded as though I was in distress. Even though he was a heavy sleeper, it's like he was always listening to make sure I was safe. It was like he was constantly channeling his inner dog. Thank god I got good at it because a second later he released me and jumped out of bed, crouching low, ready to attack.

I giggled a little bit at his antics as I stood up and headed for my door. I thought back to the first time I had called out. He was shaking as though he was going to phase and I got a little scare. He had looked around the room, and when he didn't sense any danger, gave me a questioning look. I just shrugged and said I thought I heard something. Of course that didn't go over well and he actually wouldn't stay the whole night for a while. He would wait until I was in a deep sleep and leave.

I eventually explained myself and told him my predicament; he apologized, and that was that. That's another great thing about Jake, he had no problem admitting when he was wrong, and would gladly apologize to make me feel better. Even though he knew why I did it, every time was the same. He would still jump out of bed and be ready to pounce.

I was pulled out of my musings as I felt his arms around me. "You know you really shouldn't cry wolf," the grin on his face was contagious. I relaxed into him for a second and then started to make my way out of his arms. He wouldn't budge though.

"Jake I'll be back in a sec okay?" I think he got my needs; he kissed me softly on the cheek and then opened the door for me.

I looked back and smiled at him before I went into the bathroom. As I washed my face I couldn't help but think about how natural it was to just be with him. He never pressured me and did nothing but show me kindness and love everyday. Even though I knew what it had felt like to be with Edward, I still wasn't sure how real that had been. Had he used his vampiric dazzling skills to trick me? Or was the love I felt for him genuine?

I came to the conclusion that it must have been genuine because I still felt it even after he left me and still to this day. I just wish he had never left. Things would have been so different in my life right now. Now he is back and he is acting so strange almost like he cares about me. Well now my mind is made up if Alice wants info from me; she is going to have to tell me what is going on. Even though I know I cannot take him back right now, maybe I will be able to someday. If he convince me that it was wrong, that he was just doing it to protect me, then maybe. I thought for a second… _no who in their right mind would make the girl they loved suffer so much to try and protect them…_ That couldn't be the case.

As I came out of the bathroom and walked into my room I couldn't find Jake anywhere. I grabbed my cell and sent Alice a text.

Hey I'm home, I thought maybe you could come over today and we could chat?

-B

Then I hurried down stairs; I needed to get rid of Jake, but there was no way I was going to lie to him. He already knew that I planned on talking with Alice; I just needed him to know that I needed alone girly time. I know that those two words would be enough to get rid of him. I walked downstairs and found him in the kitchen, eating leftovers. Usual Jake.

"So are you really going to see the Cullen's?" He always knew what was going on in my head. It was pretty... amazingly... what's the word I'm looking for? Ah yes annoying.

"Yes and no Jake. I am going to see Alice today, as soon as she sends me a text back-", I was cut off by my cell phone ringing. I looked at it and smiled, "speak of the vampire and she shall answer." I sent Jake a huge smile, looking up in his direction, and saw him frowning.

I knew this would be difficult for him. If I was going to talk with Alice I would have to give up practice this morning, but I really wanted to see her so it was worth it. I looked at the text and I freaked because she claimed she was on her way over. I really didn't expect her to want to come over so quickly.

I looked up at Jake and he had his worried look etched all over his face. He was just like a big puppy so cute, yet sad at the same time. "Okay Jake she's on her way over so I have to get dressed. I'll call you after she leaves today ok?" I grabbed his arm and started pulling him towards the door. "Bells I'm not leaving you alone with her. What if she brings him?" I just rolled my eyes at him because lets face it, what do you say to that? He was only trying to protect me.

"Jacob Black," he looked at me sheepishly, he hated when I used his whole name like that. "First of all she isn't bringing Edward,"

I sighed as I said this because I knew how much he hated that I could actually say his name now, "second, she isn't going to do anything to me, and we are just having girly bonding time". He scrunched up his face again and then leaned down to give me a hug. Before he turned away he whispered, "Don't let her get too close she might bite."

I laughed off is little comment as I rushed up to get dressed. Even though we were just staying at my place I didn't want to look totally ragged. I grabbed one of my old band shirts and a pair of skinny jeans. Right as I was throwing on my shirt the doorbell rang. I ran down to get it, but I tripped on the last step and ate it right by the door. I heard a muffled giggle and I knew right then that she hadn't missed my Bella moment.

I stood up and opened the door only to be attacked by a ball of black and pink. "What's with the all pink clothing?" She just looked up at me and smiled. "Pink is the new black, or so I hear." I rolled my eyes at her little comment. I led her to the sofa where we both sat and stared at the blank T.V in very uncomfortable silence.

Finally I heard her sigh, "What have you been up to Bella?" I looked at her with my eyebrow raised in question.

"Haven't you seen me at all? I only started hanging out with the pack after… well just about a year and a half ago."

"Bella when we left Edward told me not to watch for you."

I was irate at her confession, who was he to control her life. From her statement I gathered that she wanted to watch for me but he wouldn't let her.

"And you just let him control you like that?" When I looked into her eyes I saw pain. If she could cry I think she would in an instant.

"I'm so sorry Bella; he just thought that a clean break from all of us would make it easier for you to live a normal life… I'm sorry. I missed you sooo much." She reached over and gave me a tight hug again. I had to tell her I couldn't breathe to get her off of me.

"What do you mean a clean break?" She looked pained again.

"Didn't Edward tell you? He said he told you in the forest-" I had to cut her off. She was making it seem like he sacrificed something along with the others.

"Oh yes the forest, where he left me to basically die. No one found me until hours later laying in the dirt I couldn't move, all I could do was cry. It was pure pain at its worst. It's better now; I still have nightmares sometimes, and when I saw him the other day I swear the whole in my heart ripped open. It's definitely better though."

I looked up at her with unshed tears in my eyes. I needed to know what was going on and what he told them that would keep her away. She was supposed to be my best friend. She wasn't supposed to leave me.

"What? He did what? Bella I'm so sorry he said it was best for you and that you understood that it was better if we weren't around. I never-", I stopped her there my head was reeling.

"Wait he said I understood that it was best for me? If you guys left, like what, that I would be better off not having you guys in my life?" She just slowly nodded her head. I snorted and laughed a dark humorless laugh. "What an ass!"

"Listen up Alice , I love you all, I always have and always will. I really want you in my life I miss your friendship. But now hearing that he lied to all of you, well let's just say now I know that I can not let him back into my life. I mean sure I love him, but he took you from me and lied to you." She looked up at me. It seemed as though she was in deep thought. I went to speak again, but she cut me off.

"What do you mean he lied to us Bella?"

I thought about how I would do this and I knew she would be upset or at the very least pissed that he lied to them to get them away from me. Did he really hate me that much? I mean I knew he didn't love me, he told me so himself, but did he hate me?

" Alice , just let me speak and I'll let you know when I'm done. Just don't interrupt okay?" She nodded her head so I decided to continue. "Okay, so that day he told me I didn't belong in your world. He told me he didn't love me. I didn't want to believe it at first but he was insistent. He just left me there after saying 'this is the last time you will see me; it will be as though we never existed'. When he left I tried to follow him, but I just ended up getting lost. Then I just fell to my knees and cried. Eventually, Sam Uley found me and brought me home." She seemed to be processing my words. I told her I was finished and then she opened and closed her mouth a few times as though she was going to speak, but nothing came out of her mouth.

Eventually I guess she decided it was time to respond because the next thing I knew she rushed in with and apology and started to explain her side of the story . "I'm so sorry Bella. That day he told me not to look for you guys. He told me he had something important to tell you. Then he came home and told us we had to leave to protect you and that you understood. I didn't want to believe him, but he made me swear not to look. I'm so sorry Bella; we believed him and thought you would be safer. I'm so sorry." Her last words were barely a whisper; if we weren't sitting so close together I do not think that I even would have heard her.

"Wait, so what you're saying is that you guys left to protect me?" She nodded her head for what seemed like the hundredth time today. I just couldn't take it any more I really felt like I wanted to kill him. For the first time in almost two years I felt like jumping off that cliff again in La Push. " Alice, when you guys left I was in even more danger. Victoria came after me. She knew you were gone and she didn't care, she said it was mate for mate. She wanted to hurt Edward, which meant killing me. I even told her that he didn't care about me, but she didn't believe me." I looked up at her with tears in my eyes; I couldn't believe that he lied to her, but it still hurt to detail my experiences while they were gone. "Look Alice , I want to tell you everything, but I just cant right now. I am so upset that he lied and I do not even want to think about it anymore. Why don't we just hang out and talk about something else?"

She looked at me and slowly a small smile came upon her face. "Okay Bella. I'm just so happy you still want to hang out. We can talk about whatever you want to."

We spent the rest of the day talking about my schooling and her plans for what she was going to do now that they were back. I also told her more about the band and even discussed the wolf pack some. I told her I was just going for my liberal Studies AA right now because I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Then I told her about taking off a semester to maybe get some better gigs for the band. She wasn't too happy about that one, but she let it slip. She told me as long as I was happy she was happy. She questioned my relationship with Jake, but let it slide after I stood firm about staying mum on that situation.

We were winding down our conversation and I was getting tired. I yawned and instantly regretted it. "I think it's time for the human to get some sleep." She had a wicked little smile. How I've missed her. I stood up and gave her a hug and walked her towards the door.

"You know Bella Carlisle and Esme really miss you too." I nodded my head. I knew I missed them they were like my second parents. "You should come see them." She smiled a sad smile that instantly made me feel worse.

" Alice , I do not think I could handle seeing Edward right now." She nodded, always so understating.

"Look Bella, come by the house tomorrow, if Edward gives any trouble Esme will get rid of him for the day. She misses her daughter." I started to shake my head in disagreement; I would never get the chance to be their daughter because their son did not want me. "Bella, don't you dare disagree. You will always be a daughter to them no matter what. And it is final; I will be here at ten tomorrow morning to pick you up." As she turned to leave I nodded my head. Then she spun around quickly facing me and putting both hands on either shoulder. "We are not leaving you again. Ever. I promise okay?"

I nodded my head one last time and let her out of the house. She threw me a wave before she drove off. As I walked up the stairs to my room I couldn't help but think two things. Man that little pixie is intimidating and I hope I do not get my heart broken again; I couldn't take it.

I got dressed for bed and settled in for the night. I only had one thought as I drifted to sleep. Tomorrow is going to be the longest day of my life.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N- Hey everyone.. I really loved this chapter originally- it was my most favorite chapter out of the whole story**. **So if you are a continuing reader from before, there are no changes, it is as originally posted. I didnt want anything to change and I decided I did not like the EPOV in this on so I just left it out for now.. maybe later it will show up..**

**As for life- I am really down on this story.. It was my very first attempt at fanfic, and while I know I have it in me to be a good writer I do not think I am doing any of you justice when it comes to this story.. I want to finish it so that I can feel like I made it through and gave you a story that you seemed to enjoy before, but it is getting harder and harder... I just do not feel committed to the story or the characters involved.. On the other hand I have several other stories that are almost complete that I am totally in love with.. After I finish this story and the other one already on fanfic I will start posting new stories, but only once they are complete and whole.**

**Long story short- This story will see it's end in the next 10-15 chapters.. I am going to work on getting more to you tomorrow because I am running out of time before school starts back up.**

**Thank you for those of you who are back and reading this a _SECOND_ time... Welcome to those of you just starting out..**

**much love**

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Chapter 5 The unwanted Question

I woke up in the morning feeling emotionally spent. Even though our conversation the night before had eventually gotten off of the Edward topic, I still fount myself exhausted. I could only conclude that it was from the shock of seeing him, combined with his mixed signals of showing some sort of care towards me, and Alice 's confession that he had lied to me. Whatever it was it sucked a big one. I could barely find it in me to get out of bed when the alarm went off.

My only reasoning for actually waking up at nine a.m. in the morning was if I didn't Alice would be here at ten and dress me herself. I much rather dress in my comfy clothes than have to undergo Bella Barbie time. So I hauled myself out of bed and grabbed a pair of skinny jeans and one of my longer, long sleeve plaid shirts. I wasn't really in the mood to try and impress anyone today.

I went to the bathroom and jumped in the shower. The hot water felt good on my sore muscles. It helped me to calm down and it released some of my stress. I would definitely have to try and make it down to La Push today and play the drums so I could release the rest of my tension.

I got out of the shower and looked at my phone. Wow it was 9:45 already. How the heck was I in the shower for so long? Oh well. I decided I didn't have time to blow dry my hair so I went ahead and just towel dried it and then slipped on my jeans and shirt. I walked to my room, as quickly as possible, and threw on some socks and my worn out black chucks. I carefully ran down the stairs and grabbed a cereal bar. I looked at the clock. Five more minutes until she would be here. I'm surprised she didn't come early.

I ate the bar and drank some orange juice. I walked to the front door and grabbed my jacket. I went for the door handle and opened it right as the doorbell rang. "Hey Alice!" She gave me a surprised look. "What?"

"Bella. I just can't believe you're ready. I thought I was going to have a chance to help you get ready." Her bottom lip jutted out in a little pout.

"What do you mean you thought you would have time? Couldn't you see it?" I gave her a questioning sideways glance as we walked over to the car.

"Well last night I saw that you weren't going to get up in time, but this morning I haven't seen anything." I stopped in my tracks. That's interesting. I couldn't understand why she wouldn't be able to see me. That was only when I was with the guys. I looked at her and she looked worried. "Are you okay Alice ?" She was starting to worry me. I thought maybe she had a vision of something to come, but she didn't have that far away look.

She quickly replaced her worried look with a huge smile as she started the car. "Yeah Bella I'm fine. Let's get going Esme is so excited to see you."

We arrived at the Cullen's house. I just looked up at it in amazement; I had missed it so much. "Uh Bella? Are you coming?" I looked over at her and she looked very amused by my reaction to seeing the house again.

"What am I not allowed to enjoy being back at me favorite house?" I looked over at her and she started laughing. So me being mature as I am, responded the only way I could, I stuck out my tongue at her. She just laughed harder and waved me towards the house.

We entered the foyer and my memory did not do this house justice. It was much more beautiful than I remember it being. I grinned slightly at all the good times I had in this house. Alice was whispering under her breath and I know she was talking to someone. So I turned to her and put a hand on my hip. "Huh what was that Alice I couldn't hear you?" She stopped whispering abruptly and looked up at me sheepishly.

"It was nothing Bella. Esme is in the garden she would love to see you. I'll let Carlisle know you're here. I'm sure he will give you a few moments with Esme though." I started to walk towards the glass door that led towards the back yard. That's when I saw him. She must have been talking to him because he looked like he was trying to make a hasty retreat.

"Hello Bella. How are you today?" He was being cordial and I figured that the least I could do was be pleasant back.

"I'm fine Edward; I was just on my way to see Esme. If you'll excuse me?" I used my most formal tone; although it didn't sound anywhere near as good as his.

I started to walk by him but then I felt his cold hand on my arm. Even though his hand was cold it sent a hot fire through my whole body. I wanted to run into his arms, but I wouldn't dare move. I was just staring at his hand on my arm.

"Bella did you hear me? Are you alright?" That's when I noticed he was talking to me. I looked up into his golden eyes and they were smoldering. Then I noticed that he had started to look worried. "Huh?… Yeah I'm fine I already told you that what are you talking about?"

He looked down at the ground and shuffled his feet. He was still holding my arm, but I was past the initial shock. "Sorry I didn't mean to make you mad." I didn't really understand his apology until I realized I had snapped a second ago. It was just really hard not to be confused around him right now. "After I asked how you were doing and you went to walk away I tried to tell you I think we should talk." I looked at him dumbfounded. I wasn't quite sure how to react.

I pulled my arm out of his grasp and grimaced at the loss of heat. "There is nothing to talk about Edward." With that I continued towards the door. Just as I reached it Esme stepped through. When her eyes landed on me she smiled widely. I slowly walked to her, but she quickly closed the distance and made her way to me. She wrapped her arms around me. "Child I have missed you so much. How have you been Bella. I'm so happy to see you." She didn't give me a chance to answer in between.

All of a sudden her body tensed and I looked up at her but she was looking over my shoulder. I looked back and saw Edward standing there awkwardly. "Edward I told you to stay up stairs or go out hunting or something, anything." Then she sent a worried look my way. I was stumped why would she- "Oh are you telling him to stay away from me?" I looked up at her with curiosity.

"Well Bella, Alice said it would be best if he left you alone for now and so I figured if he stayed upstairs while you were here that maybe it would be better." I smiled up at her and then looked directly at Edward, but spoke to Esme. "No its okay let him do whatever he wants while I'm here. I don't really have anything to say to him so it doesn't really matter either way." I paused for a second and thought of how I would let him know that it didn't bother me if he was around.

I didn't want to break up their family ties. I just wanted most of them back in my life. So I said the first thing that came to mind. "I'm over it." I saw pain flash across Edwards perfect features before I looked back at Esme. I saw a hint of sadness in her face as well, but she hid it well. "Well come on outside with me dear lets talk." I followed Esme outside to the garden and we sat for a few minutes discussing mundane things.

All of a sudden seeming to come from no where she said, "I really did miss you, you have no idea." She was smiling sweetly at me and I tried to smile in return, but it made me so sad to know that she had been hurting. She was like a second mother to me. I never wanted to see her in pain. I could feel my eyes start to tear up so I wrapped my arms around her and she squeezed me back, gentle yet firm.

"I missed you too Esme. I really know how you feel. I hurt so much when you guys left. I'm so glad you came back." My tears were relentless now, running down my face in streams. "Please don't leave again." I could hear the pleading in my voice, and it came out a mangled cry.

"Never Bella." She pushed me away just enough to get a look at me. She reached up and wiped some of my tears away with her thumbs. "If I can promise you one thing it is this, we will never again leave you. I do not think anyone can survive it. Edward wasn't the only one to suffer, we all did."

I didn't understand the last part of her sentence, why would Edward have suffered? I mean if what Alice said was true I could understand, but I still did not want to think that he still loved me that would make everything too complicated. I just hugged Esme close again and held onto her promise.

I heard a throat clear from the doorway and we both turned to see who was there. Although I'm sure Esme already knew. I saw Carlisle in the doorway looking as handsome as ever. His expression was slightly sad, but he had a bit of a smile. "Am I interrupting? I could come back." I jumped up and jogged over to him and jumped into his waiting arms. "No Carlisle you're not interrupting anything." I pulled back and he smiled at me.

"How are you Bella?" I thought about it and surprisingly since I had already spoken with three of the 5 Cullen's that I had wanted to I was feeling much better. So I smiled up at him. "I am feeling much better now thank you. So did you get your job back at the hospital?"

This started a conversation where I learned their intentions. He had gotten his job back at the hospital and the kids hadn't decided yet what they wanted to do. He said they could stay for about two years and then they would have to leave.

I looked back at Esme. "But you said you wouldn't leave me again." I felt devastated were they lying to me yet again? "Well Bella," I looked back at Carlisle , "We were thinking maybe you could go with us. Alice told us you were going to take off from school and as long as your doing that you could see some of the world with us. We are never leaving without a verbal decision for you. We will stay as long as we can, but we can not push it too far. People will become suspicious."

I understood their reasoning, but his word hit home. "Carlisle I cant just leave. Charlie is here." He looked at me for a second with a thoughtful look. "We could pay for you to fly back whenever you like." He looked proud of himself that he had fixed the problem, but it wasn't fixed.

"I'm sorry I love you all, but I cant. My life is here. Maybe I can visit you though. You know every so often on vacations and things of that sort." Just then I saw Alice standing in the door. She looked devastated; it took a second for it to click for me to know why she looked like that.

"You don't want to be around us do you? If you didn't want us back in your life why didn't you just say so when I first came to see you?" She looked seriously disturbed it made me feel like a horrible person. She looked like I had taken away all of her credit cards.

"Alice its not that. You know I love you guys, and when you leave again its going to be really hard for me. At least I know what to expect this time and I greatly appreciate that Carlisle, but I can not just up and move. My life, my love is here." Then standing slightly behind Alice was Edward, he looked severely agitated. I knew exactly what he was thinking about.

"My dad, my band, everything. The guys are here and they are a huge part of my life. I cant just leave them. I love them all too much. And even though I love all of you a great deal I can not just up and leave them. Especially Charlie, he would be royally pissed, he doesn't even know I'm talking to you again. He's fishing this weekend." I sat down on the stool that was near me and put my face in my hands. Then I felt a cool hand rubbing small circles on my back.

I looked up and Alice was standing there smiling at me. "Its okay Bella, I understand. We would love for you to visit once we have to move. I hope you change your mind, but if not I have unlimited resources and can see you whenever I want!" Her excitement was contagious and I couldn't help but smile.

"Thanks Alice, I just I feel bad for turning you guys down you really are like family. I just, I don't know. I've built this new life since you guys left and I just do not feel like giving it up yet." Alice leaned down a little and gave me a quick hug.

"Well, lets stop all this seriousness lets go have some fun! Come on Bella I have a plan.." She grabbed me by the hand and started dragging me in the house. I looked back at Esme and Carlisle pleadingly and they both just smiled at me, but made no move to help. "This better not involve Bella Barbie.." I mumbled as we made our way past Edward, who had a nervous look on his face, and up the stairs to her room.

"Alice why in the hell are you trying to dress me up. I mean don't get me wrong I love the hair, but I am not putting on that skirt!" I gave Alice my best angry look, but it wasn't that good because I wasn't really mad at her. I actually missed this. She sighed and sat down next to the skirt. When she looked at me I caved. She had the cutest puppy dog eyes and she was pouting. How in the world do you say no to that?

I sighed in defeat, "Fine! But remember this Pixie… I. Hate. You!" She just bounced off the bed and threw her arms around me. "I love you too Bella. Now hurry up and put that on and I'll grab the perfect top." She squealed as she made her way back into her enormous closet. She came back out with a short blue baby doll shirt.

"Uhh.. Alice don't you have something a little less…. Bright?" I asked hesitantly as I inspected the shirt from hell. It had been a long time since I had worn anything but a band shirt or something black.

"Come on Bella, just put it on it looks so good with your skin." She grabbed it and took it off the hanger then handed it back. I grudgingly put it on.

"Why am I getting so dressed up, what the heck am I going to do in this outfit that could possibly be fun?" She got a wicked smile that scared me.

"Well Bella I thought maybe you would want to look good and make Edward realize what he is missing…" She trailed off when she noticed my irate look.

"Why in the world would I want to do that?" She looked up at me like I was insane for asking that question. Then she got a confused look.

"Well Bella, I thought that since you said that you still loved him that maybe you would want to make him want you more than he already does, and then he would cave and fight for you?" Her statement turned into a question. I think she realized she was wrong in her assumption. She is so use to being right, but since she couldn't see me right now it only makes sense that she would make a few mistakes so I couldn't stay mad.

"Look Alice, like I said before I love your brother, but he hurt me. I was damaged when you guys left. Jake had to put me back together, and I just can not go back to how things were. Things will never be the same again. I'm not the same person I was. I'm not the submissive Bella that Edward had come to know. I can take care of myself now, and I do not ever want to have to depend on a guy again. You have to understand right?" She looked over at me and just slowly nodded her head.

"Good I'm glad you get it. I kind of like this skirt though. Can I keep it?" I grinned at her and her smile got really wide as she nodded her acceptance. "Cool, lets loose this shirt though."

Right when I was about to take off the blue top and put back on my band shirt there was a loud knock at the door. "Who the heck knocks at your place?" I glanced over at Alice skeptically. She just shrugged her shoulders and grabbed my hand so we could head downstairs.

As we reached the bottom step I heard a growl from the other side of the door. I looked over at the Sofa, but it was Alice who spoke. "Why didn't you guys get the door? And what is that horrid smell?" Edward chuckled which instantly made my heart rate pick up. God I've missed that sound. My eyes met his and his crooked smile was replaced with an intense look of concentration.

"It's for you Bella." I looked over to Esme who had a slight smile, but I could see the worry behind it.

"Who is it?" Was all I could come up with in response. Who would have the Cullen's ignoring their door. I know I heard a growl from the other side, but I also knew I could trust them. Esme just shrugged her shoulders.

"For heavens sake people just open the door." Alice was fed up with all of the antics going on. Edward was still staring at me intensely and it made me blush profusely.

There was another knock at the door, but louder this time. "I'm coming." I shouted to whoever it was, and as I opened the door I wasn't looking up so I did not see who it was at first. "Gosh no need to be rude. Hold your horses!"

"Jeez Bells, is that any way to greet your boyfriend?" Then I felt huge hands grab me and pick me off the ground I looked at the person in time to see Jake as he gave me a big wet kiss on the lips. Two things happened simultaneously, I hit him across the face, which I instantly regretted, and there was a loud growl and a crash from behind me.

Jake put me down and started to inspect my hand I looked behind me to see Emmett and Jasper holding Edward back while he growled profusely at Jake. He looked ready to kill someone. I looked back towards Jake and saw the guys standing near the forest line just watching with big smiles. I snatched my hand from Jake's and glared at him.

He looked down at the ground sheepishly. "First of all, Jacob Black, what the HELL are you doing here? Second who told you we were dating, and third do you have to be such an ass? What's wrong with you?" He just looked up at me timidly and then he seemed to get some bravado.

"First off, Isabella Swan, I am here to make sure you are still alive. You never sent me a text or called me and you have been here for like five hours. How long does it take to talk to leeches?" I'm pretty sure steam was coming out of my ears. I hated when he called them that. Even in my darkest moments I hated that term. I didn't let the Cullen's call Jake a dog and he had no right to call them names either.

He noticed the change in my attitude from slightly annoyed to furious. So he instantly changed tactics. "And umm well… second I have been asking you out for months and after last week I just thought that maybe you had decided you would give me a chance. I guess I should have asked…. Sorry… And well third… well I can't really answer that one. I guess I just I don't know. Can you tell me why?" I was trying really hard to bite back my smile. I had just embarrassed him in front of the guys by denying our relationship.

I thought he knew that no matter what happened I did not want to go out with him like that right now. "What about the last thing Jake?" He smiled at my use of his nick name. "Whatever do you mean Bells?" I smiled a bit wider.

"Well what's wrong with you?" He shrugged his shoulder. "I guess I'm just a guy. Sorry about that." He and Emmett were so alike, yet so different it was scary.

"Okay Jake, are you good now? Now that you see I'm still alive that is." I looked up at him and tried to convince him to leave with my eyes.

"Nope Bells, I can not leave you here with him." He pointed at Edward. "Especially with that murderous look in his eyes. God only knows what he would do to you if I left." I rolled my eyes at that. Edward would never physically hurt me, I knew that and so did Jake. Even though the emotional part of it eventually caused physical pain; that is not what he had originally intended. At least I didn't think so. I was going to state that, but before the words could leave my mouth Edward spoke up to defend himself.

"Firstly, mutt," I glared at Edward over my shoulder to let him know how rude that was; "I would never hurt Bella. She is safer here than she is with you and your dogs!" I rolled my eyes for about the hundredth time today. What is wrong with these two? I couldn't understand how two people could hate each other so much.

Jake was tired of hearing Edward I knew that much. I saw Edward wince and then a look of, what appeared to be extreme sorrow, came upon his face. I looked back at Jake and I immediately knew what was going on. Jake was giving Edward visuals of everything. I wasn't sure exactly what.

Was it our sleepovers, the little touches we shared here and there, or was it worse than that? Was it possibly from after Edward had first left me? Everyone had told me I looked so horrible, but I had no clue until I saw a couple of pictures. I had looked dead.

Whatever it was it needed to be stopped. "Jake! Stop! Please just go home and I'll call you when I leave-" I was cut short by a cough from right next to me. I looked to my left and there stood Alice. She looked at me with no confidence whatsoever.

"I was wondering if you would stay the night to night. I mean you don't have to its just I haven't seen you in forever and it would be really nice to have you around for a little bit." I looked around the room and everyone had approving smiles, except for Edward who looked to be in a deep concentration of sorts trying to figure something out.

I looked at Jake and he looked delirious. I could tell he didn't want me to stay and that just pushed me to do it. I had realized as of late that I was beginning to be more defiant. I defied the people around me as much as possible without completely ignoring their needs or loosing them. It made me feel in power of everything, which is something I was in deep need of.

"Yeah Alice that sounds good I would love to spend the night with you. I need to go get-" I was cut off mid sentence yet again, but this time it was by Jake. "You can't be serious? You're going to stay in a house full of vampires." I looked at him and set my jaw. I gave him my best stubborn look before I started speaking.

"It's nothing I haven't done before and I want to spend more time with some of the people here! So I will call you tomorrow. Now leave before I call Charlie and tell him you are disturbing the peace." He slowly backed up and then headed for the forest. He waved over his shoulder before he jumped through the brush with the guys hot on his tail. I knew he had phased because I heard a howl in the distance. I knew this was hard on him, but I needed to do it for me. I loved the Cullen's. Even after everything I didn't want to be away from them.

After I shut the door I turned back to the Cullen's. Everyone was looking from Edward to me trying to figure out what he had seen in Jake's head that had him looking like he was in physical pain. Then he said the words I was hoping no one would outright ask. I didn't want to have to go through it again. That's exactly what would happen; I know from experience that if I talk about it its like I'm there again.

Suicide attempts, the rape that no one considered a rape, everything. The second he uttered the words I started to see it again. All of it, like it was happening. Only It wasn't me I was a helpless bystander watching as the pain was inflicted on me by others and myself. "Bella What happened to you? The things I saw in his head… I just… I cant…. What happened?"


	6. Chapter 6 The Incident

**A/N- I'm back and ready to finish this thing.. The whole story is finished... I didn't change anything on the second half of this story because I like how it is and it goes with what I am going to do for the finish. I have it all typed up.. so from here on out it's the same thing that was posted the first time, but there are a lot of new people reading this so that excites me greatly. **

**I really appreciate everyones patience with me on this story. I'm so glad that no one has sent me angry PM's I love you girls/guys all the more for it. **

**IMPORTANT!- I know that when I first started re-posting this story I got a lot of messages asking me not to update it all at once because they did not want to be overwhelmed.. So if you want to have a say in this here is my question- Do you want me to post every day here on out? Or do you want me to post every two days? Or every three days?**

**If no one answers this I'm going to just post once every three days or if I have a lot of extra time I'll post more often.. If enough people want me to update everyday from here on out until the end then I will definately do that.. The chapters are already uploaded.. I just have to post them.. **

**Okay I'll leave you too it! Enjoy!**

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Chapter 6 The Incident

BPOV

I knew eventually I had to tell them what had happened. I had just hoped that it wouldn't happen like this. I had hoped that I would be able to ease them into it. Since I knew that it had to happen now; I would not be able to get out of this without giving up some kind of information, I figured I would start with the hardest memory for me.

I couldn't look at them as I spoke. I knew there would be tears in my eyes as I relived the moment it happened. "We should sit, this is going to take a while." I looked down at my hands twisting around each other in my lap.

"Well you see when you left I was lost and basically just going through the motions of life. Jessica had invited me to this party and I just needed to pass the time so I went…." As I began to think of that night it was like I was there again. Thank God I still did not remember all of the events of that night.

"Here you two go." A tall white guy with sandy blond hair approached us with a couple of drinks extended to us. I nodded my thanks and started drinking it immediately. I still wasn't quite sure what I was doing there. I knew Jessica had asked me to come, but this wasn't me. Since Edward left I had been nothing but a shell. I guess that's why I was here; my shell of a self was trying to pass time so I didn't think of him.

"So are you guys freshmen?" I nearly spit out the disgusting alcohol beverage.

"Uhh… yeah we are. We just started this past semester." Jess spoke up before I could say anything.

"Cool, cool. I'm Aaron. And you are?" He looked at me with a sickly grin. I felt so sick in that moment I couldn't seem to form words.

"I'm Jessica and this is Bella." Jess again spoke up and saved me from having to comment.

Aaron led us over to a room that had several sofas and chairs that looked like recliners minus the reclining part. There were a lot of people making out. Every so often I would see a couple get up from their seat and head for the stairs. Some other college students, almost always, immediately took their spot.

"I need another drink" I mumbled my parting as I rose from the sofa to head towards what I assumed to be the kitchen. I hadn't been paying attention to Jess conversation with the older guy so when I looked and saw them sucking face I knew I needed to get out of there.

I reached the counter and there was a guy pumping the beer from the keg. I positioned my cup near the nozzle to get some for myself. I was already feeling the effects of the alcohol. Considering I had never drank before it was going straight through my system.

"Hey I'm Devin, what's your name beautiful?" I looked up at the guy who had been pumping the keg. No matter how cheesy his line was his looks coupled with the pick up line made me blush.

"Bella, my name is Bella." I finally managed to get my name out of my mouth. I put my hand up to my forehead at that moment I felt really dizzy. It felt as though the room was spinning.

"You want to get out of here?" I looked up at Devin. He had an innocent look; he was thin and had jet-black hair. He was handsome, but he also looked like someone you could trust; like a big brother. I nodded my head in agreement; I just really need to go somewhere where the room wasn't spinning at 100MPH.

He grabbed my hand and led me up the stairs. I couldn't focus on anything; my vision was completely blurred. He sat me down on something soft, and I could only assume that it was a bed.

"Here Bella, take these, they'll make you feel a hundred times better." He placed a couple of pills in my hand. I assumed it was Tylenol. I quickly took the pills and washed them down with some water from the bottle he had handed me. I could feel him rubbing my back soothingly and I felt myself growing very tired.

"I need to go home. I need to sleep." I tried to stand up, but I started to wobble and I felt his hand wind around my waist to stop me from falling.

"It's okay sweetheart. You can stay here I'll watch you and make sure your okay." I felt myself being pulled back on the bed. I was fighting to stay awake. I had this voice screaming in my head that something was wrong; that I shouldn't be here.

All of a sudden I felt myself lying back on the bed. I shook my head trying to clear it and get some of my vision back. "Shh.. it's okay honey, just relax." I felt Devin's weight on my body and I tried to push him off, but my body wasn't responding.

I tried to cry out, but I couldn't hear myself over the music. I felt his lips on my neck. I felt my shirt being opened… then it all went black.

Next thing I knew I woke up with a killer headache. I looked around and couldn't quite remember where I was. There was a slight amount of light coming in from outside. I looked down at my body as I sat up. My shirt and bra were missing and my skirt was lifted up near my waist.

I looked on the ground and saw my underwear and my top on the floor next to the bed. All of a sudden it hit my like a boulder. I knew exactly what happened last night. I knew exactly where I was now. I was alone. Devin was gone. I did not remember everything, but what I did remember was seared into my brain.

I got up and threw on my top. I ran downstairs. I jumped into my truck after looking around for Jessica. She wasn't there. I looked at my phone I had several texts saying she was going home. I drove home as quickly as my truck would allow. I needed to get home to tell Charlie.

I reached the house, but Charlies' car was gone. I went inside and I found a note that said he had gone fishing for the weekend. It was only Saturday afternoon. I wasn't sure what to do. I went to take a shower, I felt dirty. Was this my fault?

I mean I did agree to go to the party after all. I also could have declined Devin when he wanted to "get out of there". Hell I could have said no to the beer for that matter.

By the time the water had cooled to ice cold, and I decided to get out, I had made up my mind that I would keep this to myself. I didn't want anyone to think bad of me. I didn't want to disappoint Renee or Charlie.

I got out of the shower and dried off. All I could think was how I needed to get through this on my own. Everything would turn out okay eventually.

I looked around the room at the varying expressions carefully. Most of the faces held a look of concern, or anger.

"I was wrong though." I looked at Alice and she looked confused. Everyone was pretty much in shock from finding out what had happened. Alice was the only one I could stand to look at.

"What do you mean Bella? What were you wrong about?" I looked at my hands again I didn't feel ready to tell anyone what happened after. I thought about it for a minute and I figured even though this would be painful for me I should definitely get it out of the way. It's not like I had to go into detail or anything. They didn't need to know.

"Well, after it happened, I didn't talk to anyone. I had gone with Jessica because my dad had threatened to send me back to Phoenix with my mom, but I didn't want to. So I decided to show him I could change; that I could be better. So I started talking to people at school again and going out to the movies and dinner and stuff."

I looked up and my eyes locked with Edwards he looked pained. It seemed as though he wanted to move from his seat and reach out to me. I had to be mistaken though. Anyone would feel anguished at hearing what happened to me, but that didn't mean that he wanted to come to me.

I looked back down at my hands and continued. "Well I was like that before the incident too I didn't talk to anyone. So no one really thought anything of it. They just thought I was hurting over Edward again. So no one asked." I cleared my throat. I really didn't want to say it.

"Look I'm not going to give details or anything, but after a while I felt dead inside. I just wanted it all to end. I tried committing suicide. It wasn't the first time and it wasn't the last. After you left," I looked up at Edward and he looked like he would cry if he could, "I jumped off of the cliff in La Push. I wasn't really trying to kill myself it just looked like a good idea. Jake pulled me out." I was cut off by a deep, menacing, growl from across the room.

I looked up and saw that it was Edward. He was standing now and walking towards me. He looked murderous. His eyes had darkened to a deep black and he looked as though he was trembling. Emmett and Carlisle intercepted him. I was thankful for once that everyone was in the room. "You promised Bella!"

Before I had a chance to ask him what the hell he was talking about Alice put her hand on my shoulder and rubbed it comfortingly. "Let her finish Edward I'm sure this is hard for her." Alice looked at me with a reassuring look and nodded her head for me to continue.

"After the cliff I never tried again until about a month after the… the incident. I tried three times all very unsuccessful. The first and second time, it is because it was poorly thought out. I didn't really want to think about doing it; it was more of a natural reflex I would spot something and use it." Alice gave me a questioning look. I shrugged my shoulder and when she didn't look like she was relenting I gave in. I decided one or two details wouldn't hurt. Aside from Edward's outburst everything was going pretty well considering what I was telling them.

"Okay. Well the second time I saw my dads shaving blade in the bathroom. I pulled up my sleeve and started to cut my wrist. It was obviously not thought through because I can not stand the smell of blood and I passed out before I could do any major damage." I looked back up at Alice to see if she was satisfied. Satisfied is definitely not the word to use.

She looked defeated. I was going to continue and tell her about the last time and how I got help, when she spoke. "All this time we were trying to stop your blood from being spilled and you let it flow freely." I laughed a little. Everyone looked at me like I had lost my mind and I wouldn't blame them due to the memories I had just shared with them.

"Sorry its just slightly funny. I wanted it to flow yes. Flow it did not. I woke up with a little spot of dried blood on my arm. I wasn't kidding when I said I passed before I could do any damage. I don't even have a scar." I looked at them. They still thought I had lost my mind. I could tell by their incredulous looks. "Sorry, I guess I've had more time to process what happened than you have. It's kind of behind me. I'm not saying I like talking about it; it's definitely easier than I thought it would be to tell you guys. Its just I've only told a very few people."

Alice placed her hand on mine and I knew she wanted me to finish so that we could be done with it. "Anyways, the third time I tried, I was almost successful. It wasn't thought out, but it was definitely a better spur of the moment idea…."

Going back to that night was hard. That's the night I knew I needed to tell someone. I mean I didn't really have much of a choice.


	7. Chapter 7 The Incident Part II EPOV

**A/N- Hello everyone.. just letting you know I'm still here, I did not forget about the updates.. Yesterday was a hectic day at school and that was when I had planned on posting this chapter. Unfortunately by the time I got home it was time to cook dinner and then do some house work.. Here it is a day late, but at least it's not like a week late. Like I said I've decided not to change anything with these last few chapters, so if you've already read it, I'm sorry; if you haven't then I hope you enjoy!**

**I got a couple of different votes on how to post the chapters. Thank you for responding to that.. I have decided to do everyday until it I finish posting the first half of the story, then when it comes to posting the new stuff I am going to post every other day. The only reason why i am changing it is because my friend is currently reading over the chapters so that I can make sure that it is flowing okay. I'm hoping she can help me with the second half so that it can be as good as the first couple of chapter were. **

**Thank you for hanging in there. Why are you still reading this? start the chapter.. you might like it :)**

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**Chapter 7 The Incident**

**EPOV**

As I sat there and listened to Bella describe what had happened to her I felt tormented. I could not believe that someone would do this to her. I could not believe that I let it happen.

I wanted nothing more but to go and suck that guy dry of all his blood. I thought about it and I caught Alice shooting a slight glower my direction, and I decided it probably wasn't the best thing to do. Bella required me here now.

I had left once and she had suffered through this horrible fate. It pained me that she said she had decided not to tell anyone. I was curious as to how she was able to tell us now. She had a far away look; like what Alice gets when she has a vision.

Her eyes were brimming with tears, but they did not fall. I could not believe this had happened. Then she got rally quiet. I looked up at her and she was taking in everyone expressions in the room. I could tell from everyone's thoughts that they were all pretty upset with what they just heard. How could the not be?

Bella was family. Even though we had left, I had made them leave, everyone still thought of her as family. It was clear by their thoughts that this would never change. She was their child and their sister. She was still my mate. I would find a way to make things right. Even though I can not take back the things that happened, I could find a way to make her see that I would never leave her again and I will never let harm come her way. I will protect her with everything I have in me.

"I was wrong though." She looked at Alice who looked as though she was confused by Bella's statement. Everyone was pretty much in shock from finding out what had happened. It looked as though Alice was the only one that she could stand to make eye contact with. She avoided everyone else gaze.

"What do you mean Bella? What were you wrong about?" Bella looked down at her hands. She hesitated as though she was fighting an internal battle. Then a pained look overtook her features. We were all waiting with baited breath for her to answer. To tell us what she had been wrong about.

"Well, after it happened, I didn't talk to anyone. I had gone with Jessica because my dad had threatened to send me back to Phoenix with my mom, but I didn't want to." I couldn't for the life of me figure out why she would want to stay here in Forks. If she would have went to Phoenix this wouldn't have happened. She might have even found someone else by now. I decided I could live with her decision to stay.

"So I decided to show him I could change; that I could be better. So I started talking to people at school again and going out to the movies and dinner and stuff." She wasn't talking to people? I know Alice said she had been as miserable if not more so than myself, but I couldn't believe that she would just shut everyone out.

I was looking up at her waiting for her to continue. I know pain was written all over my face because I could not believe how horrible life was for her after we left. If I had known she would have suffered this much I never would have left. Looking back now I realize that the bad outweighed the good. All of sudden her eyes locked with mine. It made me happy that she would look at me. I felt as though she was looking to me for comfort. The only time we had been alone, she had told me there was nothing to discuss.

I wanted to get up and go to her. I wanted to wrap her in my arms and tell her everything would be fine, but I knew she wasn't ready. I knew she was in pain; I wanted to make it go away, but she needed time. I was willing to give it to her. I would never hurt her again. I wanted to make things better. For this reason I would give her space.

Then her eyes left mine too soon. She looked back down at her hands. It seemed as though they were her safe haven. "Well I was like that before the incident too I didn't talk to anyone. So no one really thought anything of it. They just thought I was hurting over Edward again. So no one asked." Upon hearing this I wanted to pull my hair out. If I could cry I would have been sobbing because it hurt so much. It pained me to know that because I left she retreated into herself. She cleared her throat.

Again it seemed as though she was having an internal debate. At this point I realized how hard his was for her. It must pain her a great deal to re-live these events. All she wanted to do was put our minds at ease, but it hurt me more knowing that we were causing more pain for her. By allowing her to tell us these stories we were causing pain yet again.

"Look I'm not going to give details or anything, but after a while I felt dead inside. I just wanted it all to end. I tried committing suicide. It wasn't the first time and it wasn't the last. After you left," I looked up at Edward and he looked like he would cry if he could, "I jumped off of the cliff in La Push. I wasn't really trying to kill myself it just looked like a good idea. Jake pulled me out."

I couldn't help it. I let out a growl; it was entirely instinctual. I could believe that she had done that. I stood and started to walk towards her. As I did this she looked up and I know she saw the look in my eyes. She had the same look on her face that she did the first day that I met her in Biology.

Emmett and Carlisle intercepted me. They pulled me back and put me back in the seat. They then stood on either side of me holding me down. I could hear the chair creaking under the pressure. I was only thinking of one thing, a promise. The promise. "You promised Bella!"

She looked as though she were about to counter my revelation with one of her own. Alice put her hand on her shoulder and rubbed it comfortingly. Then she glared in my direction and her thoughts completely mirrored her verbal words. "Let he finish Edward I'm sure this is hard for her." Alice looked at Bella with a reassuring look and nodded her head for her to continue.

"After the cliff I never tried again until about a month after the… the incident. I tried three times all very unsuccessful. The first and second time, it is because it was poorly thought out. I didn't really want to think about doing it; it was more of a natural reflex I would spot something and use it." Alice gave her a questioning look. I sat in my seat fuming. How could she break her promise? How could she try and kill herself? Take her own life? She shrugged her shoulders and when Alice wouldn't relent, it looked as though Bella was giving in and going to give us some insight into what happened.

"Okay. Well the second time I saw my dads shaving blade in the bathroom. I pulled up my sleeve and started to cut my wrist. It was obviously not thought through because I can not stand the smell of blood and I passed out before I could do any major damage." She looked back up at Alice; it seemed as though she were looking for approval of some sort.

Alice looked defeated. It looked as though Bella was going to continue her retell of what happened. She didn't get a chance to though because Alice cut in. "All this time we were trying to stop your blood from being spilt and you let it flow freely." Bella laughed a little. No one in the room could believe it. All eyes went to her. She was laughing about trying to kill herself? Did she think this was funny?

"Sorry it's just slightly funny. I wanted it to flow yes. Flow it did not. I woke up with a little spot of dried blood on my arm. I wasn't kidding when I said I passed before I could do any damage. I don't even have a scar." She looked back at us. We were all speechless and still staring unabashedly at her. "Sorry, I guess I've had more time to process what happened than you have. It's kind of behind me. I'm not saying I like talking about it; it's definitely easier than I thought it would be to tell you guys. Its just I've only told a very few people."

Alice placed her hand on Bella's. Alice was willing her to continue. Bella obviously got the message because she went on with what she was saying before her little hysterical outburst. "Anyways, the third time I tried, I was almost successful. It wasn't thought out, but it was definitely a better spur of the moment idea…." I still could not believe she had tried to kill herself three times.

**Bella's POV**

"Anyways, the third time I tried, I was almost successful. It wasn't thought out, but it was definitely a better spur of the moment idea…."

Going back to that night was hard. That's the night I knew I needed to tell someone. I mean I didn't really have much of a choice.

_Flashback_

_Playground school bell rings again,_

_Rain clouds come to play again,_

_Has no one told you she's not breathing?_

_Hello, I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to,_

_Hello..._

_If I smile and don't believe,_

_Soon I know I'll wake from this dream,_

_Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken,_

_Hello, I'm the lie, living for you so you can hide,_

_Don´t cry..._

_Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping,_

_Hello, I'm still here,_

_All that's left of yesterday_

I couldn't believe it was only Monday. At least school was out for the day. I wanted nothing more right now than a hot shower and to sleep from now until school tomorrow. Of course I would just sleep forever if I could, but that wasn't plausible.

I was still trying to push everything down and out of myself. Trying to act like nothing happened, like everything was okay. But it seemed like that only made everything worse. Everyday I seemed to die a little more inside. I thought it was bad at first, and I've tried to end my life two times since the party. Now I know its bad.. I don't feel… anything… I'm literally dead.

I got out of my car and sluggishly climbed the stairs to my room. I set my bag down and grabbed my worn out jeans and wholly old tee shirt. I went to the bathroom and started the water. I striped down making sure not to look in the mirror. I was at the point where I could barely even look at myself. Every time I got dressed I just looked down at myself and as long as my skin was covered I was good to go.

I stayed in the shower until the water pressure started to slow. The pipes were probably frozen again. I would have to leave Charlie a note so they don't burst. Once I was dressed I decided I should probably wash my face. I would only have to look in the mirror for a couple of seconds for that.

I reached inside of the medicine cabinet for my facial wash and my hand stopped mid air. There was a pill bottle and I instantly knew what it was. Without really knowing what I was doing I grabbed it instead. I shook it and knew there were ten pills left.

It was from after the incident in Phoenix when I broke my leg. I had only tried to take it twice. It turned out that I had an adverse reaction to the vicodin. It made me sleep for a whole day and I would wake up feeling nauseous. So I was almost positive I could use this to my advantage.

I ran down the stairs with the bottle in my hand, I reached into the fridge for some water, but then I saw a glint of silver on the fridge and remembered there was a flask up there. I wasn't sure if it had alcohol in it, but it was worth a try it would definitely make things go a little quicker.

I brought over one of the kitchen chairs and climbed on it to reach the flask. As soon as it was in my hands I could hear the liquid swishing around. I knew right away there was definitely something in there. I just hoped it would do the trick.

As I got down from the chair I saw the notepad with the pen attached on the fridge. I figured the least I could do is leave some sort of note. That way my parents would know that this wasn't their fault. What I was doing had nothing to do with them. It was all me.

I walked to the living room with the bottle, flask, and pad and pen. I sat at the sofa and set everything down. I thought for a moment and all I could come up with was a song that reflected some of my emotions. I could alter it some so that it said what I wanted to say, but couldn't find the words for.

I picked up the pad and pen. I looked at the clock I had less than half an hour before I could expect Charlie. I began to write furiously:

_Mom, Dad,_

_Let me apologize to begin with. Trying to be someone else was harder than it seemed and somehow I got caught up in between. I got caught between the lies and how the truth gets in the way. The things I want to say to you get lost before they come. The only thing that's worse than one is none. Trying to regain your trust was harder than it seemed. I cannot explain to you in anything I saw or do. I hope my actions speak louder than my words._

_I'm so sorry, but I'm dead inside and I'm just ready for it to end. Edward left, and then I was trying to be normal for everyone and then it just got me in more trouble. I was raped at the party I went to with Jess about a month and a half ago. I'm so sorry. I love you both._

_Isabella_

That's what I came up with I couldn't even bother to say goodbye properly. I put it down looked at the time one more time. I was cutting it close I had maybe ten minutes if I was lucky. I would have to overdo this so that I would be gone before he got home.

I grabbed four pills and downed them with a couple of large gulps of the whiskey. I was pretty sure that would do the trick. When I didn't feel dizzy right away I figured I might as well down all of the whiskey. I had had enough misses on doing this. It was not going to happen again I was going to get it right this time.

When I finally started to feel dizzy from the whiskey, I decided to lay back on the sofa and get comfortable. This was the last time I would be on Earth. I allowed my self to think over my life. Things about my parents, my friends, even the Cullen's. I spent a long time thinking about the days I spent in the meadow with Edward. That's it, if I had to describe heaven it would be the meadow.

I could feel myself drifting away. The light was dimming and I could feel the cold and see the darkness approaching. I knew I wasn't gone yet. I heard a car pulling up on the gravel outside. I heard doors shut and laughter. Then I head the screaming.

"Bella! Oh my God Bella! What did you do?"

"Shit call 911! Do it Now!"

"Bella honey wake up!"

I couldn't see them everything was black. I knew the voiced, but I couldn't place them at the moment. I vaguely remember feeling someone place their hands on my shoulder and start shaking me. Everything was black now and I was happy. The voices slowly faded.

Death was peaceful. Death I could stand. Life was horrid and I had no idea why people feared death. In that moment death seemed like the ideal thing.

I looked to Alice. She looked as if she was in deep thought. "I can't believe I didn't see any of this. Why didn't I see how miserable you were? I mean it was before you started hanging out with the wolves right?"

I shook my head, "I really have no idea Alice. All I can think of is maybe it was because everything was a split second decision. I was on autopilot most of the time. When I did make a decision it wasn't until the exact second it was going to happen." It didn't make since that she couldn't see me, but this is the best I could come up with.

"Who came into the house and what happened?" I was surprised when I looked up to see it was jasper that was asking this. He hadn't really spoken to me at all since they came back. Although he probably felt everyone's confusion, hell I felt their confusion and I didn't even have that power. I mean I know I did.

Here I am telling them I died; yet here I am sitting in front of them. I'm sure they figured out the basics, but I don't blame them for wanting to know more. I would too. I actually still wanted to know more about what happened. All I know for sure is that they pumped my stomach and here I am.

"Seriously the next thing I knew I woke up in the hospital. My dad, Jake and Billy were all there in my room waiting for me to come to. According to my dad Jake had stayed while I was out for three days." This is always where my brain wants to turn off and forget. I hated the look on my dad face. And I hated how it made me feel. Especially since I had failed for the third time.

I started to come to it was so bright. I thought I was in heaven. Then I felt the pain in my stomach and I knew I had failed again. "Shit!" I cursed under my breath. How could that not have worked? It didn't make sense. Just the alcohol pill combo should have killed me.

My dad must have heard me because he jumped to my bedside.

"Bella your awake!" My dad declared a little too happy if you ask me under the circumstances.

"Finally." I looked over to see Jake coming towards my bed, but he was looking at the floor. It was like he couldn't stand to look at me.

"Are you okay Bella?" My father looked over my body frantically. He must have heard me curse. I just nodded my head and as soon as he saw that his features instantly changed from worry to disappointment.

"What were you thinking? Why would you do this?" I just stared at him for a second. Was he disappointed in the fact that I had tried to kill myself? Or was it that I had allowed myself to be raped? I wasn't sure, but I needed to know how much he knew.

I looked over at Jake and our eyes met. He looked so sad. I didn't understand why though. I looked back to my dad and decided I should just ask and get it out of the way. "Did you get my note?" His face instantly changed from disappointment to extremely pained. I knew he had gotten it in that instant. He nodded his head slightly. He looked towards Jake. This made me follow his gaze.

"Jake found the note." I winced internally I really didn't want anyone besides my parents to know. I looked back to my dad. "Bella, why didn't you tell me or your mother? We could have helped you through this. It would have been a lot easier for you. We could have-" I cut him off there I know what they would have done.

"So you could have what dad? So you could have sent me to live with mom? I'm sure you wouldn't want to deal with you tainted daughter! And what then? Maybe a shrink to psycho analyze me and tell me nothing was my fault? That I have nothing to be guilty about! What a load of crap. It's all my fault. I fell for Edward, I went to the party, and I drank! It's my entire fault. I just want to die I can't do this anymore it hurts too much…" I tapered off at the end not really knowing what else I wanted to say.

Charlie looked so sad when I looked him back in the eyes. He looked broken. Or maybe it was defeated. "Bella I don't know what we would have done, but we could have gotten through it together. Now, yes, you will be going to therapy and I think it will help a great deal. You need it. Maybe we will do a family session too." I was surprised that he was willing to go too.

With this new revelation I just wanted to agree. Charlie wouldn't agree to go discuss his feelings unless he really thought it would do some good. "Okay… can I just be alone for a little bit? I just want to rest." Charlie nodded and I felt Jake give my leg a little touch. Then they were all gone. I just lay on my side and silently cried until I fell asleep.

"Needless to say everyone found out about my attempted suicide. That kind of thing is hard to keep quiet in such a small town. But so far that I know of there is only a small circle of people who know about the rape, my dad, mom, Jake, Billy, a couple of doctors here, and my therapist. Of course the circle just grew by seven." I said with a slight smile. I was trying to lessen the tension in the room that naturally comes with my life story.

"Thank you for telling us." Alice smiled a reassuring smile at me. I couldn't help but smile back. I rested my head on her shoulder and she rubbed my back a bit. Then the one person spoke who I wasn't expecting to hear from at all.

"So I do not understand, you said you were a zombie when you started hanging out with the dog. Why is that? I mean if you went to therapy and got help then you were better right? So what else happened?" I couldn't believe that he could actually be so dense. He actually thought that I was an instant cure.

"What do I look like a chia pet? I wasn't just cured like that." I snapped my fingers to emphasize my point. "I was better after the hospital. I opened up to my mom and dad and told them what happened at the party. It was a little uncomfortable to talk about, but it felt good to know that they knew and they wanted to help. Then I went to the therapist and he said I had a personality disorder. He said he had a prescription that would help level out my moods." A shudder went down my back. I hated how those pills made me feel, but I tried, I really did.

"So I took the pills. They evened me out alright. I was right back to being a zombie. I withdrew from everyone again. And then Charlie took me to the res and I started playing." I remember the way I felt when I played. I felt. That's all that mattered. It didn't matter what it was all that mattered is that it could make me feel again.

"When I got the little jolt of feeling I reveled in it. And then they asked me to join their band. I stayed on the pills for a couple more days, but I wanted to feel more. So I flushed the pills and skipped my therapy sessions. I remember after a couple of days the fog wore off and I felt so much more than I thought I could." I looked to Alice who was now smiling like a Cheshire cat. She looked as happy as I had felt on the drums.

I shook my head and looked back to the others. "I never thought I would feel so alive again. So alive and happy. I thought I was truly dead. But I wasn't I was just sleeping and I needed something to jolt me awake. I found it in music. This is still amazing for me because after you left I couldn't even listen to music." At the last part I looked to Edward. "I never knew how happy it could make me. At first it reminded me too much of you, but then I made it my own and I am truly happy."

"So Charlie let you quit?" Of course it would be Emmett to ask this. Always the curious one. I'm sure he is thinking that I still need therapy.

"Yeah he let me quit. He was just happy that I was out and about. I was always with the guys. Still am except for this weekend. So I think he just liked the idea that I wasn't zombiefied. I mean don't get me wrong I still have bad days, but now there are people there to share them with. They help me. Especially Jacob and Embry. They are the ones I usually run to. They always say things that calm me and it is usually just really good advice." I love my guys. They are my life.

Edward stood at this moment. "I'm glad to know that everything worked out for you Bella." With that he walked out of the room. I looked to Alice, but she just gave me a sympathetic smile. Since I knew I wasn't going to get an answer that was my queue to leave.

"Okay, on that happy note. I'm going to go get dressed and grab my stuff. I need to go blow off some steam with the guys. Whenever I do this specific trip down memory lane I feel like hitting something, better the drums than a person." I didn't wait for approval. I turned and walked brusquely up the stairs.

When I came back down stairs I said my goodbyes to everyone. They made me promise to come back again soon. And I of course would. I missed them so much. I would probably be over here as much as possible catching up. They had been gone for years.

I got in the car with Alice and decided I wanted to just go to La Push right away. And she could just drop me off and I could get a ride back later. So I sent Jake a text and Alice said she could just drop my at the treaty line.

As soon as I saw Jake's car I said bye to Alice and made my way to Jake. I'm glad I didn't have school anymore. I would have so much more time with everyone.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N I'm am hiding behind a wall... I know I'm late... School is kicking my butt this semester.. not to mention the whole looking for a job thing.. I've been looking for a job for the last seven months and I am just barely getting called back so I have been going to interviews almost everyday and having to fit in the normal family dinner/cleaning/and homework somewhere in there.**

**Please do not murder me just yet.. I promise I will try and make it worth it :) **

**Now since I was late, I want to give you a chance to get a gift for waiting. When you read this chapter, if you send me a review telling me what you think and that you want to read the next chapter... well I will post the chapter tonight before I go to bed.. I SWEAR on.. well I would swear on someones grave, but that's just not cool is it? I just PROMISE you that it will go up tonight.. Every time you review a little green light on my phone goes on and I am OCD about checking it.. So review to remind me and I will jump on and post it no later that 9pm tonight.. If I am a couple of minutes late do not kill me I have to log in yeah? Okay well enough of this.. enjoy!**

**P.s.. I think there are four or five more chapters until we get to the BRAND NEW stuff.. I hope you guys like it!**

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Chapter 8 Renew

BPOV

The ride to the reservation was quiet. I could see Jake looking at me out of the corner of his eye, but he kept his questions to himself. I knew what he wanted to know; they were simple enough to answer too.

Did you talk to Edward? No, not really

Do you still love him? Yes.

Do you want him back? Not at this moment.

To the last one he would probably lecture me on how much I was hurt and how far I had come. Only if he knew that I still hurt. The only time I didn't hurt was when I was behind the drums pounding out the beat and singing my heart out. That was my relief, my drug, my addiction.

We arrived at Jake's and he parked near the garage where I could see Quil and Embry wrestling. I still had no idea how they had time to do this band stuff for me when there were patrols to be done. I guess since they took care of Victoria there hadn't been any new vamps around. That's comforting.

I jumped over the guys wrestling on the ground, they were blocking the only way in and I really needed to get to my drums right about now. After the way Edward had stormed out of the living room I could feel myself falling apart. I could hear his words echoing in my head. Glad you are so happy.

How he could think I was happy is beyond me. I know that when I talk about my life in retrospect, yes it seems happy. But its not, it's just happier. I've learned to except what is and not to hope for what will never be. It's just what I had to do to get myself together. Music has been a big part of that.

When I sing our songs and even other people's songs I feel myself getting lost in it. Whether it's happy, sad, or otherwise. I feel what they song feels. The good thing is that no matter what the song is, after I'm lighter.

Its like the weight that was holding me down is lifted and I can just be. I don't have to be me, or the Bella that people think they want. I can just be and it makes me happy. It seems as though when I'm happy so is everyone else.

I sat at my stool and grabbed my drumsticks. I rested my right foot on the pedal and started to bang out a light under beat. Once I had that set I used my left hand to speed things up a bit. The guys noticed the noise and got up off the ground.

They grabbed their instruments and joined in. Quil was on the bass Jake and Embry on electric. No one sang. Words weren't needed the music blended. I loved how we could just flow like this. No sheet music just the four of us flowing. I thought about the time when we sat down to pick out a name for our band. It was ridiculous the things they guys tried to name our band.

It had been a month since the guys had asked me to join their band. I was doing a lot better. Jake and I were getting closer. Although I knew I couldn't offer him what he was offering me, I was tired of wallowing over a guy who no longer wanted me. I could try to love Jake the way he loved me.

We were sitting around practicing when all of a sudden Quil jumped and started shouting. "Oh Oh I got it! 100 Indians!" We all looked at him like he was insane. We had been trying to come up with a band name for a couple of weeks now. We had our first gig this weekend and we really needed a name.

I started laughing I couldn't help it that name was so ridiculous. Jake slapped his own forehead and Quil just looked back and forth between us. Embry was quiet. I think he didn't want to make his friend feel bad. "What don't you like that name?" I just laughed harder.

"Come on Quil that's ridiculous. We might as well name ourselves 100 Monkeys!" He just cocked his head to the side and narrowed his eyes at me.

"We cant be the 100 Monkeys they already exist." This just made me start laughing all over again.

"Exactly my point. That's too close to the actual name. People will think we are unoriginal. We have to come up with something that makes people say 'I have never heard anything like that before'" I shook my head and began to bang out a beat again willing this conversation to end. We had a couple of days left we would just have to set aside a brainstorm session.

But of course the guys had different ideas. They all rested their guitars on their stands and sat round in the random chairs we had around the garage. I huffed and sat the sticks down on the holder near the bottom of my drums.

"Okay guys if you really want t do this right now," they all nodded which made me sigh again, "okay well there need to be some ground rules for picking the name."

They all gave me questioning glances. "Ground rules?" Embry voiced their question.

"Yeah you know. For example I really do not want any degrading names and I also think that the name should reflect us in some way." There was a collective groan. "Oh right and we don't want copy right problems o no 100 Indianans!"

Jake laughed and Quil rolled his eyes. "Okay so shoot people!" I yelled waiting for their firing of names. This was going to be very interesting to say the least.

"I still say 100 Indians." Quil chummed in not backing down.

"Okay well too bad. Next."

Embry was next to voice his opinion. "What about Uncharted Territory?"

"There is a nice ring to it." I wrote it down on a piece of paper while I turned and spoke to Jake. "What about you?"

"How bout the Tasty Obsessions?" Quil and Embry broke out laughing. "Man Jake, just cuz you think Bella looks tasty, doesn't mean that is the best name for our group!" Jake looked down at his feet and I blushed furiously. I had already known that Jake liked me more than a friend, but I didn't know that everyone else found it as obvious.

It went on like this for a while. Someone would offer an opinion, it would get laughed at, shot down, or I would write it down if there was no protest whatsoever. "Okay guys we have a list of five. Why don't we sleep on it."

The next morning when I had woken up I ran downstairs in my sweats and tee shirt and drove to La Push as quickly as I could. I wanted to tell everyone what I thought. They were at Emily's having breakfast I knew that from experience. It was like another home to me so I just ran in. Everyone was string at me in my night ware. All I could think was, good thing I wore pants!

"Oh my gosh guys I got it!" I exclaimed loudly everyone still looking at me like I was crazy. I wasn't really expected until around noon. "Got what Bells?" Jake was the first to sober up.

"The name of our band of course! I think you guys will love it." Jake nodded for me to go on. "The Shifters!" The rest was history of course they loved it and it was quickly known around the tribe that that's what we were going to call it. It was a very good inside joke when we wanted it to be. It's like our little secret that no one else will ever understand.

After we jammed for a little while I was feeling a lot better. I looked at my watch and four hours had passed of us just playing music. We didn't have any gigs coming up because usually about this time I would be getting ready to start school up again.

Even though I decided to take the semester off I kind of also wanted a break from playing live. It was nice to just be able to practice for a while. Now that I thought about it I was glad that I had so much time off. Now that the Cullen's were back I would have as much time as I needed to get to know them again.

EPOV

I could not believe it. I was so upset about everything that she had been through since I had left her. Although she had been through so much she still seemed as though she was doing better for herself. She was soaring more than she ever would have if I were around.

We came back for her. I still love her so. She will always be the love of my life. But if I had stayed she never would have blossomed as she has. The way her love for music has become incredibly more so through playing the drums. Even if I had been her to stop the bad things from happening I also would have halted the good.

She would have been stuck to my hip; she never would have found this amazing love for music that she now possesses. Sure she has always loved music, but this is different. I understand how she feels, playing out your emotions in music is empowering. If others hear it is even more so.

It is as though you give a piece of yourself to the audience. Even though I am so proud of how far she has come and what she has been able to overcome, I am still incredibly angry. With whom I am not sure.

I am angry at myself for leaving. I am angry with Bella for maturing so beautifully without me. I am angry with Jacob Black for taking her from me. Angry with myself for not growing in the time we wee apart.

Most of all I am angry for being so childish and angry with everyone. I know it is a continuous cycle, but I cannot help it. I want to be back at her level. The time in my life in which I met her, we were at the same level then. So young, yet old souls, we meshed perfectly. Now I feel as though she has left me behind. She has transformed into a beautiful woman and I am stuck at seventeen. I have yet to mature.

I do not believe I will ever be able to be what she needs. I am a selfish being and she is selfless. It is impossible to comprehend how we could ever work together again. Yet I cannot stand the though of not getting her back. I will get her back, but as Alice says I must prove that I deserve her.

As I stand in this moment I do not deserve her she deserves better. I must become what she needs. I must apologize for my outburst. I must let her know that I am here when she needs me, whatever she needs me as, even if it is jus as a friend.

BPOV

"Okay guys I have to go" Jake looked hurt. He came up and enveloped me in a hug. I registered Quil and Embry leaving the garage. He held my head against his chest and rested his chin on top of my head. "Bella," He paused and sighed, "are you going back to their house?" I inhaled deeply enjoying his scent. He smelled like home, it was safe with him.

I let out my long breath, "eventually Jake. I plan on going back later today." With that he gave me a final squeeze and stepped back a little bit so he could look at me. "Why are you doing this?"

I didn't quite understand his question. "What are you talking about Jake, doing what?" He just shook his head and took another step back; I still wasn't sure exactly what he was talking about. "Why are you torturing yourself Bella?" I just kept staring at him willing him to explain further.

"They left you, you were broken. I saw what you looked like when you got in my car. You were afraid to leave there, yet you needed space. You probably left to come here because of something he did am I wrong?" Suddenly my shoes looked very interesting.

How is it that he knows me so well? I never have to tell him anything or explain much, he just knows. It's like he can see my soul. "Look Jake I'm fine really. I just needed to play some music and get out my frustration. It was just seeing him, not anything he did specifically. I just…. I needed to play. I'm better now really." I looked up at him and pleaded the best I could with my eyes for him to drop it. I just needed it to be left alone for now.

He stepped closer and hugged me again, but this time tighter. I didn't say anything I knew it was comforting to him. "I just can't see you hurt again Bells, I just can't do it again. I don't like seeing you looking the way you use to. I don't want him to hurt you again." He paused for a moment, but I could tell there was something else he wanted to say.

"Are you going back to him?" I thought about it for a second and though I knew what he meant I wanted to play dumb. I wasn't ready to answer; I wasn't sure what would happen yet. As things stood no, I couldn't take him back, but I wanted him. I still love him.

"Jake I told you I was going back later today." I sighed hoping that he couldn't see what I was hiding, just this once I didn't want him to know. I knew it would hurt him badly. "You know what I mean. Bella, are you going to take him back?" I sighed and once again I found myself unable to look at him.

This time my eyes were focused on a wrench that was thrown haphazardly on the floor. "Jake I don't know okay. Right now, no, he hurt me too badly. I can't go through it again. On the other hand, who knows what the future holds. I just... I can't say for sure." I looked up at him and he looked defeated. I whispered so low I wasn't sure if he would hear. "I'm sorry Jake." He nodded slightly so I knew he heard. Then he grabbed my hand and walked me out to the Rabbit.

As we were driving towards my house it was nothing but silence. I wanted to know what he was thinking. I knew I had broken his spirit, but I didn't want to lie. No, lying would be worse than the truth. Because what if Edward and I…. No my thoughts couldn't go there. I was in no way ready to entertain that thought.

A song came on the radio that I instantly recognized. Of course Jake turned it up. It was our song. The innocent kisses we had shared, well this song started it all. He had told me how he felt while this song was playing and we shared our first kiss. It was sweet and slow, yet deliberate. Like he was trying to show me that he would never hurt me. I believed him, but could I promise the same?

_Take time to realize,_

_That your warmth is_

_Crashing down on in._

_Take time to realize,_

_That I am on your side_

_Didn't I, Didn't I tell you._

_But I can't spell it out for you,_

_No it's never gonna be that simple_

_No I cant spell it out for you_

_If you just realize what I just realized,_

_Then we'd be perfect for each other_

_and will never find another_

_Just realized what I just realized_

_we'd never have to wonder if_

_we missed out on each other now._

_Take time to realize_

_Oh-oh I'm on your side_

_didn't I, didn't I tell you._

_Take time to realize_

_This all can pass you by_

_Didn't I tell you_

_But I can't spell it out for you,_

_no it's never gonna be that simple_

_no I can't spell it out for you._

_If you just realized what I just realized_

_then we'd be perfect for each other_

_then we'd never find another_

_Just realized what I just realized_

_we'd never have to wonder if_

_we missed out on each other now._

_It's not always the same_

_no it's never the same_

_if you don't feel it too._

_If you meet me half way_

_If you would meet me half way._

_It could be the same for you._

_If you just realize what I just realized_

_then we'd be perfect for each other_

_then we'd never find another_

_Just realize what I just realized_

_we'd never have to wonder_

_Just realize what I just realized_

_If you just realize what I just realized_

_OoOoOOo_

_missed out on each other now_

_missed out on each other now_

What I discovered that day is that he didn't need me to be perfectly whole in anyway. He just needed a small part of me and he would be happy. I decided if I could make him even a fraction of how happy he made me then it would be worth it. Everything, me lying to myself about what, or who I wanted it would be worth it.

I would have the sunshine back in my life and he could be happy too. I have been trying ever since that day. But it has never been more than an innocent kiss here or there. Even though he would spend the night, it was always innocent.

I was pulled out of my thoughts by Jake turning off the car. We had reached my house in what seemed like seconds. I hadn't realized that we had even left La Push. I had no idea why he was turning off his car though, I wasn't staying here, and since Charlie was out of town I had decided to just stay with the Cullen's. I missed them too much not to spend as much time as possible with them.

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**A/N Oh look there's a green light flashing... Oh my chapter 8 is officially posted! :)**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N- Here's chapter 9 like I promised. Now I have to do my statistics homework, so I am going to update next on Mon, Tues, Thurs, Fri. Okay? Enjoy the chapter!**

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Chapter 9 Happenings

BPOV

I sighed as he started to get out of the car. I followed him and we walked to the door. "Jake I'm not staying here right now. Since Charlie is out of town and wont be home till the end of the week, I figured I would just stay with the Cullen's. Then I can just go and visit you when we usually play." I said it with a smile as I opened the door.

When I looked over though my smile faded. Jake looked hurt, like I had crashed his Rabbit or something. I walked in though and he followed me to the living room. I figured I could sit and talk with him for a little bit before I got ready. Once he sat down too I decided to find out what was bugging him.

"Hey what's wrong? You look like someone killed your hamster or something." I didn't want to use the car analogy, he didn't like me jinxing things. I reached for his hand as I said this and he flinched and pulled back. "Jake?"

"Bella look I'm sorry. It's just. I don't know I guess I thought since you spent the weekend with them and got to talk and everything that maybe, I don't know… I guess I thought I could stay here and keep you company while Charlie is gone. Like I use to?" It sounded as though he was asking permission.

I didn't know quite how to respond. I didn't like seeing him sad, but I wanted to spend more time with my family. I knew they were leaving in a year or two and then I wasn't sure when I would see them again or how often. I mean it wasn't like I would always have free time from school and stuff.

"Jake how bout I spend a couple of nights with them, and then I can spend a night with you?" I was asking him so that he could make the decision. He knew how I was, I wouldn't allow him to make it an all or nothing deal. In our relationship it has never been all or nothing.

"Who get which days?" He sounded like it was a business transaction, which made me internally roll my eyes. I reached for hi hand again and this time he let me hold it.

"Well, today is Sunday… there is maybe three hours before I'll pass out from my busy day. I kind of want to see them again today though. We didn't quite get to finish talking earlier. So how about the get today and Monday night, and you can have Tuesday and Wednesday night since Charlie comes home Thursday. Sound good?"

I waited for a minute while he chewed this over. I felt like I was in the middle of a custody battle. "Okay, but what about the days?" I laughed out loud this time.. This boy was uncontrollable. He was going to make sure that I laid out every minute and then stuck to it. It really was a custody battle. "I'm not really joking… Can you go two days without playing? And who gets Tuesday during the day, me or them?"

This only made me laugh harder. This time he rolled his eyes. Then he pulled me up on his lap, which instantly sobered me up. Somehow he managed to where I was straddling him. "Umm.. I… I'm…" I couldn't believe how much I was stuttering it wasn't really like me. "I'm not sure. I'll text you and work out the details ok?" Once again he made it seem as though he was signing his life away while he contemplated this.

"Okay, but one condition."

"Okay, shoot."

"I want to drive you there and back."

I started to try and get off of him but he only pulled me closer. His face just inches from mine. "Okay." It was barely audible, I was afraid to move. We hadn't kissed in a while. I thought maybe he was just happy with my company, but in this moment it became blatantly obvious that he still wanted more.

His hand came up and cupped my check and he slowly started to lean in. His eyes never leaving mine. Begging me to let this go and allow it to turn in to whatever it may. When his lips left mine I didn't want to respond. This felt wrong, it had always felt wrong, but something was different. It didn't even feel comfortable anymore.

When I felt his tense body react though I remembered my promise to him and myself. I was going to try and make him happy. So slowly I moved my lips with his. Then his tongue grazed my bottom lip begging for entrance. I granted it and his tongue slowly moved over mine. This kiss was slow, but deliberate. He was begging for something more. A more personal relationship, one with no boundaries. I wasn't sure if I was capable of that.

I felt myself slowly being lowered to the couch, but it didn't register. We had shared so many kisses, many of the times it was when he would stay with me for the night. Then I felt one of his hands roaming up my shirt and the other grabbed hold of my wrists and pinned them above my head. Suddenly this was too familiar and it made my stomach turn.

I needed him off of me and he needed to get off now. I stiffened and tried to close my mouth, but he wasn't getting the message. When I began to try and squirm out of his grip he got the wrong impression and started slowly grinding against me. I panicked suddenly my chest was tight and I could feel tears down my check. This couldn't be happening again.

His hand that was under my shirt came back up to my check and that's when he felt the tears. He suddenly jerked back and a look of recognition came over his features. He looked up at his hand that had mine pinned and then back at my face. He quickly sat up as far away from me as possible on the small couch while I just lay there crying silently.

"Oh my God Bella, I'm so sorry I didn't even think. I'm such an idiot." The last part didn't seem like it was meant for my ears, but I heard it. It took me a moment to realize that I wasn't back at the frat house. And once I was composed enough I sat up.

Wiping the tears from my eyes I stood up. "Its okay Jake, you didn't realize, just… just don't do it again okay." He looked at me and was going to object to my reaction, but I held my hand up. I didn't need him to keep apologizing. "Okay?" He nodded and I started for the stairs. When I reached the first one I whispered that I would be back.

I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and sent Alice a text.

-Alice

Is it okay if I stay at your house for a couple of days?

-Bella

She answered fairly quickly with a definite yes. I told her I would be there in about twenty minutes. I didn't receive a reply to that one.

I packed some clothes for a couple of days. I would probably just sit around the house and talk with everyone. It wasn't like I needed to pack more than couple of things. I made sure I had all of my bathroom necessities and then I headed back downstairs.

When I got to the living room Jake was in the same spot I had left him in with a far away look on his face. He hadn't even heard me come in. "Hey, I'm ready to go." He nodded once then got up, took my bag, and walked out to the car. He held my door open and then he started up the car. As we started driving another familiar song came on.

_And when it rains_

_On this side of town it touches, everything_

_Just say it again and mean it_

_We don't miss a thing_

_You made yourself a bed_

_At the bottom of the blackest hole (blackest hole)_

_And convinced yourself that_

_It's not the reason you don't see the sun anymore_

_And oh, oh, how could you do it?_

_Oh I, I never saw it coming_

_Oh, oh, I need the ending_

_So why can't you stay_

_Just long enough to explain?_

_And when it rains_

_Will you always find an escape?_

_Just running away_

_From all of the ones who love you_

_From everything_

_You made yourself a bed_

_At the bottom of the blackest hole (blackest hole)_

_And you'll sleep 'til May_

_And you'll say that you don't want to see the sun anymore_

_And oh, oh, how could you do it?_

_Oh I, I never saw it coming_

_And oh, oh, I need the ending_

_So why can't you stay just long enough to explain?_

_Take your time_

_Take my time_

_Take these chances to turn it around (take your time)_

_Take these chances, we'll make it somehow_

_And take these chances to turn it around (take my...)_

_Just turn it around_

_Oh, how could you do it?_

_Oh I, I never saw it coming_

_Oh, oh, how could you do it?_

_Oh I, I never saw it coming_

_Oh, oh, how could you do it?_

_Oh I, I never saw it coming_

_Oh, oh I need an ending_

_So why can't you stay_

_Just long enough to explain?_

_You can take your time, take my time_

Other than the music in the car it was silent. So silent you could hear a pin drop. All I could think about was how happy I was though. Happy that I didn't have to confess anything anymore. Happy it was all out in the open for the most part.

**Jacob BOV**

After everything we had been through together. I had helped her get better after everything. He left her. He didn't care what it did to her, how broken she was. And now their back, and she is just welcoming him with open arms? I couldn't wrap my mind around it.

We had shared so many looks, touches, we kissed, and we had even slept together. Ok so it was only in the literal sense, but I was still there for her when ever she needed me.

Now we were on our way to their house, so she could stay there for a couple of days. I had no clue why she would want to stay in a house full of leeches. Did they even have food for her?

As I drove up the dirt road I saw their house come into view. I could make out a couple of figures on the porch. As I brought the car to a stop I realized who it was. It was the pixie one and him. They were obviously waiting for Bella.

How the heck did they know she was coming? I had been with her this whole time; I knew she couldn't see me. The pixie ran up to the car with a wide smile. She seemed friendly enough, but I knew what they were capable of. Bella practically threw open her door and jumped into the other girl's arms. I think that was Alice , at least from what Bella had told me.

I got out of my car while Bella and Alice were talking too quickly for me to listen. Alice looked excited and Bella, well, frankly she looked terrified and she just kept shaking her head. I looked over towards the porch. He was no longer standing still. He was coming towards us, no scratch that towards me. His features were carefully in place though, his face was blank of all emotion.

He stopped a couple paces away from me. The smell coming off of him was almost unbearable, but I wasn't willing to back down. I new what this was, I may not be a mind reader, but this was a stand down of sorts. He was trying to see what he could find out about me and Bella. Probably wondering why I was here.

"Well?" I almost didn't hear him. He was whispering very low so that Bella couldn't hear. Alice heard though I notice her head move slightly so she could watch the exchange while speaking with Bella. "Well what leech?" I hissed I couldn't believe he was talking to me.

"Why are you hear? Why did you come with her? This isn't your land mut!" If the girls weren't there I'm sure he would have shouted at me. I grinned I loved that he felt intimidated by me.

"I am not. Why are you hear? Answer me." He tilted his head to the side as if he was searching for something.

"Stay out of my head." I hated that he felt like he had the right to intrude on my thoughts. It was overly annoying.

"Come on Jakey just answer my question." Jakey? What the hell was he making fun of me. He makes me so mad I could just. I felt myself start to tremble. I looked at Bella trying to calm myself remembering that she was still here and if I didn't calm myself I could hurt her. I couldn't hurt her, maybe I shouldn't have come. I felt my trembling slow, but then he had to open his mouth.

"So at least you know you shouldn't be here. Your no good for her." That's it. My shaking got worse and I heard Bella scream at me to calm down.

**EPOV**

Alice told me Bella was coming. I was excited at the prospect of seeing her again. Since coming back into her life I felt as though I needed to see her all the time. It was hell for me to not see her after she walked out the first night at the coffee shop in Seattle .

Esme had gone shopping as soon as Alice told us. We needed food for her. We asked how long she was going to stay, but Alice said that part was a little fuzzy. And she wasn't sure exactly when she was going to arrive, but it would be sometime today. Alice to Jasper he should go hunting, just in case. So right now Jasper, Emmett, Rose, and Carlisle were hunting.

Alice was upstairs preparing the guest room; by preparing I mean she was putting clothes in there for Bella to wear. My sister could be a little overbearing.

I heard an unfamiliar car engine coming up the dirt road. Alice heard it too and came downstairs. I looked to her and she shook her head answering my silent question.

I have no idea who it is. They are coming here, but it's all black. It could be a wolf. That's what happened before.

We both went out onto the porch and waited as soon as the car was in sight, a growl rose deep in my throat. I immediately pushed it down. I wanted to show Bella I could play nice and that I could be what she needed. Not him.

He got out of the car while Bella and Alice began talking. Alice was planning to use Bella as Bella Barbie. I looked over at the mutt that was string at Bella. What was he doing here? I was about to find out. He looked towards me and I started to move towards him. I made sure my face was void of all emotions.

I stopped a couple of paces from him. He smelled horrid, I could not understand how Bella could stand to be around that. We just stared at each other in a stand down both willing the other to stand down and cry chicken.

I heard his musing in his mind calculating exactly what I was doing and he hit it right on the nose. I was curious as to why he was here. I couldn't contain the venom that seeped through my voice as I spoke to him.

"Well?" I said it low enough so that Bella couldn't hear, but I was positive Alice heard. I knew she couldn't see what was going to happen since it had to do with a werewolf, so we were both hoping for the best. "Well what leech?" I wanted to laugh at the anger in his voice. And did I detect some jealousy?

"Why are you hear? Why did you come with her? This isn't your land mutt!" If Bella wasn't here I would have shouted at him to leave my land and stay away from her. He was dangerous. On top of that I didn't want anyone interfering with Bella's relationship, well what was going to be again and mine. He thought that I was intimidated by him.

"I am not. Why are you hear? Answer me." I was frantically searching his head for something anything, he was trying not to divulge anything, but it seemed as though his mind was always on Bella. Then I caught a nickname his friends teased him with. It was almost as bad as Eddie.

"Stay out of my head." He hated that I could know anything about him at any given time.

"Come on Jakey just answer my question." I saw him start to tremble. I knew I should back down, but I could handle him. It was only one. I just needed to figure out how to let Alice know to get Bella the hell out of here so that she didn't get hurt.

He was trying to calm himself by thinking of Bella. I could see times they shared together, kisses, hand holding, it would seem that he had even spent nights with her. Although not in the sexual sense it still enraged me, she was mine, not his.

Then I caught his train of thought of possibly hurting her. It placated me for the time being. At least he knew what he was and how much he could hurt her. I saw his trembling and heart rate start to slow. I knew I should have left it at that he wouldn't hurt Bella now, but I needed him to know that I knew how dangerous he was as well.

"So at least you know you shouldn't be here. Your no good for her." That was it. His trembling got more furious. I saw Bella look over out of the corner of my eye. He was very close to shifting I could feel it. I crouched ready for a fight. But then I heard her scream. "No Jake don't."

She ran over almost gracefully and walked right up to him and put her hand on his chest to calm him. I tilted my head at this small gesture. Although in his mind I could see they never went very far, it was obvious they cared about each other.

"Jake look at me. I'm right here, don't do this okay?" Jake looked down t her and put his hand over hers and started to take deeper breaths calming himself. He wrapped his arms around her now and she embraced him as well.

**BPOV**

"Better?" I backed away from Jake; just enough to see his face, my arms still round him. He just nodded and then nuzzled his nose into my hair breathing in deeply. Now that he was calm I got loose enough to turn around, but Jake wouldn't let go of me completely. "Guys why don't you go inside? I'll be there in a minute okay?"

Edward didn't look too happy about this request, but I really didn't care at this moment. I was pretty sure this was his fault. "I'm not leaving you with that mutt. What if-" I cut him off. I was around these guys so much I knew he wouldn't hurt me. It just had to do with Edward he was upsetting him.

"Edward just go he wont hurt me." I saw Alice give him a pointed look and the try to grab his shoulder. He sent daggers at Jake and they went inside as he pulled away from Alice. They were gone in seconds.

"What the hell was that Jake?" I asked backing up a few steps so I could get a good read on his face.

"What do you mean Bells, he did it. He said I was going to hurt you." He looked at the ground. I couldn't help but feel bad; he looked like a little kid.

"Ok, look I'm sorry Jake I didn't hear anything that you said. Alice was keeping me busy. Why don't you go home and I'll call you later tonight ok?" His head snapped up and he glowered at the house.

"Really after how he was you're going to stay here?" He looked furious.

"I'm not here to see him. I'm here for the rest of them ok? Besides Alice is probably threatening his man hood if he doesn't stay away from me." I tried to laugh it off to calm him. He smiled slightly and then came towards me to hug me again.

"Ok Bells, just make sure and call me ok?" I looked up at him and nodded. He bent his head slightly and kissed my lips gently. It was a very innocent goodbye and it was quick. There was a crash in the house like something had been broken. I snapped my head towards the house and didn't see anything. I looked at Jake and he was smiling. "Bye Bells."

With that he was off. I started towards the house and I was very surprised when I walked in. I definitely was not expecting the scene that was in front of me.


	10. Chapter 10 Confessions

**A/N- Hello! please do not throw stones at me just yet! I am a total fail this week! My life literally was spinning off it's axes all week. First my boyfriend and I had a huge fight and literally I thought I was going to have to find somewhere else to live because.. well yeah if we broke up that just wouldnt be cool.. Then we got over it, he apologized.. so that's all good now, but the rest of my week was thrown off by it and school conquered my life.. I seriously spent like 4 hours in math tutoring on tuesday... yeah statistics is kicking my butt! Anyways thank you so much for sticking by and waiting for me to get my crap together..**

**I would make a promise for the next chapter, but it might not be until next Wednesday, considering I have an essay style political science test and a huge statistics test on Wednesday, so literally my weekend is going to be spent studying my butt off.. I failed my first statistics test, but I can get it dropped if I do well on this next one so this is big.. I need at least a B so that I can transfer this class to CSUF! Bare with me please!**

**P.S. I am sort of looking for a beta, not sure what all that entails, but my friend has failed me majorly... I don't blame her, she just started her nursing school classes so I get it! totally get it, she's busy... but now I have no one to tell me what I should fix grammatically or if my story isn't flowing properly so yeah it's holding up the second half of my story... I'm re-reading it, but would love a second opinion!  
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Chapter 10 Confessions

_You're killing my common sense and all the hope that comes with it.~~ Original_

BPOV

I walked in and I saw something I never would have expected to see. Edwards piano was smashed and Alice was glaring at him while he just stared at the crushed piano at his feet.

"Did you do that?" Both of their heads snapped in my direction. Edward looked furious while Alice 's features seemed to soften when she saw me. Edward came over before I knew it and his arm was holding my elbow as he started to pull me upstairs.

"What the hell are you doing Edward?" I screamed at him and tried my hardest to get loose. He stopped abruptly and released my arm before turning to me with an exasperated expression and pinching the bridge of his nose. He sighed before he looked me in the eyes dropping his hands.

"Bella can you just come upstairs and talk to me? Please? I think we really should discuss some things." His look was almost pleading. I knew we needed to talk eventually and I had already kind of planned on talking to him today. My resolve had been broken while I was playing with the guys today. But he really didn't need to know that.

"Fine Edward, I'll talk to you." He gave me a curt nod and started to walk upstairs again. I cleared my throat so he would stop and look at me. "Not up there. I want to talk in the living room." He looked incredulous.

"Bella, that's hardly going to be a private discussion," I sighed and turned around to go sit on the sofa.

"Hardly anything is private in this household, so it doesn't really matter where we have the conversation." He looked dejected, but came to sit down next to me showing defeat. Alice smiled at me slightly encouraging me in my endeavourer before she left the room to give us some sort of privacy.

I looked over at the piano and remembered my earlier question. "Why did you break your piano?" He lifted his head and when I looked straight into his eyes I could feel it again. I knew I still loved the man before me. I would always love him. He would also always make my insides melt no matter how old I got. He would always be my other half. I quickly composed myself he couldn't know this.

He smiled my favorite crooked grin that I love and I knew he had heard my heat speed up. "Well, lets get on with it Edward. Not all of us have an eternity." His smiled fell at this statement and turned into a serious frown. He looked over his shoulder at the shards of wood and grimaced.

"I was upset." I raised an eyebrow at him; I didn't understand his response, what in the world would have made him that angry to break his most prized possession. He finally decided to continue, taking my quirked eyebrow as an invitation. "Just Jake and his antics. The way he thinks about you," I rolled my eyes at this. What did that have to do with anything? "You know what I mean don't you? He is in love with you."

My face fell I knew this, but hearing it from someone else was a lot worse. Especially when this someone else is your ex-boyfriend. "Yeah I know Edward. See the thing is Jake also knows not to expect anything. Our relationship will never go further than what it is right now; it can't." He seemed to be contemplating this for a moment.

"But you've kissed him?" He obviously knew the answer to this. I knew I couldn't lie so I figured it would be better to be blatantly obvious.

"Yeah I've kissed him. Like I said before after everything that happened he was there for me like no one else was. After you left, the rape, my attempts to take my own life, and Victoria ; he was there, he comforted me to no end. I will never be able to repay him enough." I knew I would try to make him happy, but this was yet another thing that Edward didn't need to know.

"So you're telling me that Jake thinking about kissing me made you kill your piano." I said it with a slight smile hoping to ease up some tension.

I knew I would have to see him eventually since he was part of the family and so I figured I could at least try to be friends with him. He looked into my eyes and what he saw must have pleased him because he smiled in return. "I did not kill it Bella, I just decided I needed a new one." I laughed so hard my sides hurt. He was a creature of habit and I knew it. There was no way a new one would ever please him the way that one did.

"All jokes aside; I wanted to talk about us. I feel like there are things that need to be said. I saw in Alice 's mind that you still love me…." He trailed off towards the end. I was pretty sure I knew exactly where this conversation was going so I figured I could flip it to where I would have the upper hand by laying down most, but not all of my cards.

"Yeah I will admit it I still do love you," He was about to say something but I held up my hand motioning for him to wait a minute before he said anything. "But I can not be with you. You left me without a word, with promises that I could return to my normal life and that it would be as though you never existed, but you already know it wasn't that way. I ached every day for you to come back, and you never did, because of you I m broken. I will never be able to love someone the way I loved- love you and I hate that. I almost hate you for that, but I can not hate you." He smiled a little at the last comment but it didn't reach his eyes. I could tell that he was still thinking about the not being able to be with him part.

"Because of this fact I would love to be friends with you. I have no clue what the future holds," At this point I raised my voice an octave to make sure Alice knew it was for her as well. "There is only one pixie looking vamp who knows that, but what I do know is I want to be near you. I- I'm just not ready to be more than friends. Okay?" He thought about this new development for a second longer than I thought he actually needed and then nodded his head in agreement with a smile.

"Can I give you a friendly hug?" He sounded like a child asking for a puppy. I opened my arms for him and as he got closer my arms instinctively went around his neck while his went around my waist as he pulled me closer. The second we made contact I felt the all too familiar electricity jolt that told me he was very near. One of my hands threaded the hair at the nape of his neck while the other rested between his shoulder blades. Then we heard someone clear their throat from the kitchen doorway.

We both pulled back reluctantly and looked up. It was none other than Alice . "Okay Eddie boy, I'm stealing Bella now for much needed girl time." Edward scowled at Alice 's little nickname for him, but he relented and I rose from the sofa and followed Alice with promises of talking to him again later. Now that we were on the friendship level meant we had a lot of catching up to do. I knew eventually more hurt would arise, but right now I was just happy to have all of the Cullen's in my life.

After a couple of hours of girl time with Alice ; by girl time I mean plucking my eyebrows and waxing my legs, she decided I could be free. It was about midnight, but I was nowhere near tired. I found myself in front of an all too familiar door. Edward's door. I was just standing there thought. I wasn't sure if I should knock or just go in. I wanted to be near him so badly and even just the prospect made all of my nerve endings on edge.

He must have heard my heart beat because after bout a thirty second debate the door opened to reveal the most beautiful face I had ever known. "Bella?" I guess I had been staring for too long. When he addressed me though it was definitely a question to what I wasn't exactly sure.

"Can I come in and just hang out for a little while? I'm not really tired." His face fell slightly, but he moved back to allow me inside. I slipped inside and it was almost exactly how I remembered it. The only change was the fact that now there was a bed with a royal blue plush comforter and the black sofa was up against the window in the corner.

I just stood there looking around not really knowing where I should sit. Edward made the choice for me by sitting on the sofa. I followed and say on the other end. "So what are you up to?" He looked up from the notebook he had picked up and a slow smile spread across his face.

"I was actually just composing a song. You know since my piano is out of commission I can only write it down for now and hen later I can work it out." I nodded my head. I knew that he composed, but he must have had something great in his head if he needed to write it down. I mean he was a vampire and always had everything memorized perfectly. I just had no clue what he was writing. I couldn't make out the chords; it's like it was his own special language; they didn't make any sense to me at all.

"Anyways," he set the book down and turned to me. "What did you want to talk about?" I shook my head; there wasn't anything particular I just missed him. I couldn't decide if I wanted to say that out loud, but when I spoke next I realized my mistake.

"I missed you too. I really am sorry about everything." I looked up surprised. Was he able to read my mind all of a sudden? He laughed and it reached his eyes. They were dancing with amusement. "No I can not read your mind, but it seems as though you are more tired than you thought. You are voicing all of your thoughts right now something I thought you only did in your sleep." I smiled sheepishly at him. I was definitely tired my brain to mouth filter was no where near functional. "Come on I'll walk you to the guest room."

He started to get up, but I grabbed his hand. I really didn't want to leave him right now. I had just gotten him back and I really needed to be close to him, even if it was just as friends. "Can I stay in here tonight?" He looked back at me with a very surprised sideways glance.

"Are you sure, I do not want you to be uncomfortable…" He trailed off and I knew why he was saying this. I knew if I were to stay here he would most likely want to watch me sleep. My mind was made up though. I couldn't deal with nightmares tonight; I knew if Jake could make them stay at bay then so could Edward. I felt safer with Edward than I did with Jake. Edward was still my everything, even if I didn't want to admit it.

"Yeah I'm sure. I mean if that's okay with you. I just- I don't want to be alone tonight. I just need someone close by. Alice is hanging out with Jasper so that options out." I thought about it for a second I probably was just going to make his night boring. He wouldn't be able to do anything in his room. "You know what never mind. It's okay. I really don't want to ruin your night."

I started to stand and he didn't stop me so I figured I had guessed right. I made it to the door before I felt a gust of wind and felt a hand on my shoulder. "Don't go Bella, you can stay. You're welcome in my room anytime. I even have this bed. You know I won't use it. You're welcome to it whenever you need." I turned and he was smiling sincerely. I nodded my head and started towards the bed. I was already in my pajamas so that fixed that.

I climbed in as he pulled back the covers for me. I sat up under the covers and watched as he seemed to be dealing with an inward battle. I figured he probably needed help. I know I did; where would we draw the line in our friendship. I knew there had to be barriers, but I wasn't so good with those. I mean all I wanted was friendship with Jake, but the lines always blurred. "Edward…"

He snapped out of his unconscious battle and looked over at me. I patted the bed beside me and he looked confused for a moment. So I knew I needed to voice my thoughts. This would not be easy. "Look I know we decided to just be friends, but I really do not want to be alone like I said before. So could you maybe just sit and talk with me until I fall asleep?" He seemed to brighten a little bit as I said my words. He quickly came over and sat on the other side of the bed above the covers.

As the night wore on and we talked about trivial things such as my schooling, the band, and what he had been up to while they were gone; we seemed to gravitate towards each other. At one point in the conversation we were so close our sides were touching. I loved the electrical current that came off of him and radiated between us. I vaguely remember my head going on his shoulder. I felt something cool press into my hair and then a whispered, "Goodnight my Bella." With that I drifted into unconsciousness, not really sure what my dreams would bring.

I awoke to the unusually bright sun of Forks coming through the window that was Edwards back wall. I could not for the life of me remember my dream which was odd. Even when Jake stayed with me I would have some kind of dream, it just wouldn't be as bad when I woke up. Someone was there to comfort me and I took solace in that. This was different; I had no recollection of having a dream. But why?

I shivered there was something cold under my head. I looked up and saw Edward's smiling face. "Good morning."

God he was beautiful. It wasn't fair. My hair probably looked like a rats nest and my breath was most likely the most horrid smell in the world. I turned away and blushed. With a whispered, "Morning", I sat up and got out of the bed. I turned and saw him still smiling which made me blush even more. I sat back down on the edge of the bed. I knew I had to say something. I had just slept in bed with my ex all night. Although technically he doesn't sleep; I just really didn't want him to get the wrong idea.

"So um I'm sorry that I fell asleep on you. I didn't want to be a bother. I'm sorry you couldn't get up after I fell asleep and go do things…." I trailed off I knew I was rambling, but what do you say in a situation like this?

I looked at him and he was still smiling. Did I look that funny right now? I smooth my hair down as much as possible with my hand trying to get the major knots out so that it didn't look so bad. Edward reached out and grabbed my hand. "Bella its ok, I didn't mind. I was very comfortable. Like I said yesterday I missed you too and it was nice to be able to have you in my arms, even if it was just as a friend. I was a little disappointed though."

I was about to say sorry, but I was curious as to why he was disappointed. "Why were you disappointed?" He smiled his crooked smile and sighed trying to look dejected.

"Well you didn't talk in your sleep. Although I guess I'm happy you looked peaceful at least." I smiled at him. So he missed my sleep talking.

"Well maybe one day you'll get to hear it again." We shared a quick laugh before I continued, as I started to talk again he reached up to push a wayward strand of hair behind my ear. This caught me off guard and my breath hitched slightly. "You know what's strange?" I stopped for a moment, but he looked at me and gave me an encouraging nod.

"Well last night, I don't remember dreaming at all. Usually when I'm by myself I have horrific nightmares that wake me up in the middle of the night, and with no one there I am always so freaked out I cant go back to sleep." I paused for a moment not knowing if I wanted to share all of this with him yet. Against my better judgment I decided I wanted to be honest with him.

"Well and then sometimes when Jake stay at my place; it's slightly better because someone's there to comfort me. Then last night, well, it was the first time in a little over three years that I didn't dream at all. Not even a good dream, it was just black nothingness." I looked up at him through my eyelashes; his eyes were focused over my shoulders at something on the wall. I knew I shouldn't have said anything.

"So you sleep with Jake like you did with me?" He still wouldn't look at me. I wasn't quite sure what to say just like most other times; so I decided to say the first thing I could will into my mind. It took me a second but he still wasn't looking at me as I spoke.

"No, not exactly, I mean it's different. He sleeps too. It's kind of like a sleepover; I don't really know how to explain it." He looked at me slightly furious, but it was as though he was trying to hide his anger from me. I was trying to get him to laugh with the pun about sleeping, but no such luck. He just seemed to be angrier.

"So let me get this straight Bella. You sleep with Jake, kiss him, hold hand, and play in a band with him. Now you slept in my bed last night. Do you do this with all of your friends?" Now I was getting furious. What the hell was he implying?

"Edward I'm not going there with you. It's different and you know it. I've been through so much; I have a right to be afraid of being alone. I never knew when someone or something would come for me." At this he sobered up slightly. His face fell completely though, and his eyes looked vacant. He was now hiding every last ounce of emotion.

"I'm sorry." It was barely a whisper if I wouldn't have been so close there's no way I would have heard it. "I just- I don't know. I still love you and it hurts me that you want to be with other people that way. I guess because of last night I was hoping maybe you wanted me back too." I sighed and he looked away. I did want more with him. I just wasn't ready. I wasn't sure when I would be either. This wasn't fair to anyone involved; me, Edward, or Jake for that matter.

He was still looking away; I desperately felt as though I needed him to look at me. "Please, just look at me and hear me out." He finally looked at me, but he was still just a shell. "You know I still love you. I have told you this countless times now. I just think I want to take things slow. I think I might want you back, but things can't just go back to the way they were. I need time, and I'm going to need space as well. I'm not the seventeen year old girl I use to be. I'm older now and I have my independence and I love it."

Some emotion came through upon my emission. I wasn't sure what it was exactly, he was still trying to mask it. "Just understand that although I will always be yours, you do not own me. Especially right now I'm not your girlfriend I was completely serious about just being friends." He nodded and I felt slightly better that he understood this. I knew I needed to clear up a couple more things as well.

"One more thing okay?" He nodded yet again. It was as though he didn't want to say anything that would screw up this; for this I was grateful. "I love Jake, he's important to me. I never want to be more than what I am with him right now, which is just friends, but I'm not just going to drop him. Like I said before I'm not your girlfriend and I am still going to enjoy my time with the guys for as long as I can." For what seemed like the hundredth time this morning his face fell.

"I do not like the thought of you being with Jake that way-" I cut him off. He needed to know that he didn't control me. He would never control me the way that he did before.

"I never said you have to like it. You said you love me right?" He nodded his head cautiously this time, less excited. "Okay, then let me be happy. I never said that I was going to continue having him sleep over or doing the kissing thing. I don't know what's going to happen in the future so I really don't want to say either way. Let's just take this slow, be friends and see where it leads to. I really need this Edward. Please."

I didn't want to sound pleading, but I knew that if he didn't cave and agree with me on at least some level that this would never work. I wasn't going to loose my best friend all over again because of Edward. If I couldn't have both I knew I would have to choose; I also knew I could never hurt Jake the way that Edward had hurt me.

"Okay Bella, but I can not make any promises to you about what will happen between me and Jake. I mean we are natural enemies and all." He smiled and I knew he was trying to make the mood lighter. I also knew that it could turn into a serious statement at any time. I reached into the space between us and put my hand in his. With one final squeeze I got up and left the room. I needed to eat and get ready for the day. It was definitely going to be a long day.

I knew I couldn't lie to Jake; I would have to be honest and tell him that I had made amends with Edward. This was not going to go over well. Maybe I could push it off just for a little while. It wouldn't hurt any one right…..


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N This is a sort of long note, but if you're curious on how the updates are going to be or why it has been so long, give it a quick scan.**

**I know it's been forever and I totally get it if no one is following this anymore. **

**I hate people with excuses and I'd like to think that mine aren't excuses, but take it how you want. I love all of my readers who have visited this story and all of you who have reviewed, and continue to wait around for updates. THIS WILL BE IT! I am officially going to finish this story. I think there is six chapters. I may or may not come back later and do an epilogue or a part two, not sure. I will have to see how life goes. **

**SO it's been such a long time for updating because of a couple of things. School, wasn't so life changing except for the fact that I got into Cal State Fullerton and was so excited ****J. Then my mom got really sick, she was three years into her fight with breast cancer and it took a turn for the worse. She passed away two weeks before finals, I took a week off from school for the funeral, and then scrambled to get my grades back up to par. Because life does go on, I didn't really deal with her death and I am now facing some depression. It comes and goes, and this week has been a really good week so far, yes I know it is only Tuesday, but it's been great. **

**Enough with my reasons, so what does the future hold for this story? I went back and re did the last four chapters. I hated what I had wrote before and of course your mind changes over time so it just didn't fit with who I am anymore. So I re-wrote them and now it is done.. I will most likely be posting all of them by the end of today or tomorrow morning. They are shorter chapters than anything I think I've written before so it shouldn't be too overwhelming J **

**I hope you enjoy the rest of the story and hopefully it isn't too big of a disappointment. If you'd like an epilogue let me know in a review or a PM and let me know what you want to see in the future. Maybe it will inspire me to get it done. **

**Enjoy**

Chapter 11

BPOV

As I walked into the kitchen I saw Alice and Esme already cooking breakfast. I instantly felt bad that I had taken the extra time to talk to Edward. I could have been making my own breakfast instead of them waiting on me. "You guys really don't have to do that; I can do it myself you know." Esme turned and smiled warmly at me.

"I know child, but we heard you talking to Edward and we decided maybe we could have breakfast done before you came down. Its almost finished just take a seat." She smiled again and I nodded, taking a seat at the counter on one of the new barstools. Alice walked over with a plate that had bacon, eggs, and pancakes.

"There is no way I will be able to eat all of this. You cooked enough for a man Emmett's size…" I trailed off I didn't want them to feel bad. Just then Alice turned back to me with a smile.

"Just eat as much as you can. Then we could go shopping." At this revelation I was terrified I wasn't really in the shopping mood. I really needed someone to save me from this pixie.

"Actually Alice I was thinking Bella and I could spend some time together today. Maybe go to the meadow?" Ah Edward. He must have walked in the room only moments before. Thank God we are on better terms now. The last part of his sentence was more of a question to me. I didn't really want to go to the meadow though. That brought back bad memories of when Laurent tried to kill me. So I nodded my head while I finished chewing the bacon in my mouth.

"Yeah I would love to hang out, but not at the meadow. The last time I was there things didn't go so well. Maybe we could just hang out by the river or something?" He nodded his head back at me, not pressing the subject of the meadow any further. Alice and Esme were just looking back and forth between the two of us like they had no clue why I would let him sit next to me.

"What you guys?" I questioned them and Esme looked me straight in the eyes as she addressed me.

"Are you two back together?" I heard a throat clear and I looked to Edward who was very slightly shaking his head no. If I didn't know him so well I probably wouldn't have even picked up on it. Esme nodded curtly once. I didn't like being left out so I decided to speak up before they both turned around to clean up the kitchen.

"Weren't you listening?" Esme shook her head.

"No we were trying to give the both of you some privacy.

"Oh well thank you. Actually we decided we should be friends. I have no idea what's going to happen in the future," Alice went to go and speak but I kept going, "nor do I want to know what is going to happen. I just want to enjoy getting to know Edward again as a friend and see where that leads us. Okay?"

They both looked at me and then Esme smiled at me fondly before turning around and starting the dishwasher. Glad that that was over I finished off a few more bites before I turned to Edward and smiled. "Just let me shower and then I'll be right down ok?"

"Of course Bella, I'll probably be in my room, just go ahead and walk in." With that he took off up the stairs and Alice took me to get me settled in with what I would need for the shower.

Laying here in the grass is heaven. I missed this meadow so much. I hadn't come back since the wolves attacked Laurent. Being here with Edward almost feels foreign, but not disturbingly so. I miss it.

I can feel him looking at me. It feels as though he is willing me to look at him, but I can't.

The walk out here was awkward. I could tell that he isn't use to having to restrain himself anymore. He seems anxious to let go and touch me how he use to, but I can't allow it. I know deep in my heart that I still love him, but it needs time; I need time. I need all of the wounds to heal, and I need to know he will not leave me again.

Then I begin to wonder about what will happen in two years when the Cullen's leave to travel. If we give in to our needs and become a couple again will he leave as well? I believe he would to keep up appearances, but where will that leave me? I already told everyone I could not leave my life behind here.

The only way I would be willing to entertain the thought would be if they were to change me. But did I want that now? No I do not think I do. I enjoy being able to be with my friends in La Push and I enjoy being able to go out in public and play my music for others.

If I were to be changed then who knows when I would be able to go back out in public. It would be anyone's guess. I was pulled out of my deep contemplation by Edwards Velvety voice.

"Huh? What was that?" I asked turning slightly, but not looking into his eyes for the fear of getting lost and never being able to return.

He chuckled slightly and it drew my eyes to his. "I asked what you were thinking. You know I cannot hear you and you just looked exceptionally contemplative. So I guess I was just curious." I forced myself to look away; looking back up at the sky I shook it slightly to clear it.

"Oh, well I was thinking about changing." He didn't seem to follow my train of thought. He asked the most ridiculous question; it would have been cute but for some reason it was nerve rattling.

"Why would you change, you just took a shower." I huffed out a breath before I responded.

"No Edward, I meant change into a vampire." He sat up straight away and looked horrified as he captured my gaze.

"Why would you be thinking about that?" I shook my head about to tell him what conclusion I had come to, but before I could get the words out of my mouth he cut in. "Bella, I will give you anything you want. I want to make you happy and make up for everything that has happened. Even if it is something I am strongly against I will do it if it means I could have your forgiveness and have you as mine once again."

I stared at him in shock for a couple of seconds. I had seemingly lost my voice. I was most definitely speechless for the first time in a long time. I finally managed to find my voice, "Edward wait, you would actually change me?" I looked at him in disbelieve actually able to meet his gaze and not be dazzled for once.

He nodded his head once and looked at me cautiously. "Yes I would, that's what you want is it not? I would do anything to make you happy with me again." I shook my head and he seemed defeated at once.

I felt bad, although I was not quite sure what I had done. I placed my hand on top of his on his knee. I thought quickly through how I wanted to address this and exactly what I was going to say.

"Actually I was thinking specifically about us and how everything would work if we were to ever resolve this… thing between us. But seriously, I don't think we will be able to rectify this at all." He stood up at my admission and started pacing. I waited for him to finish whatever his thought process was. I didn't feel like interrupting him. I knew exactly how I felt on the subject now and I did not see that changing.

He turned to me abruptly and was towering over me where I was sitting in the grass. "What are you talking about Bella? Are you insane? Of course this could work. I will make this work. I plan on making up what I did to you for the rest of our lives. Why won't you even give me the chance?" He looked tormented as though I was ripping through his non-existent heart.

I shook my head and stood; I didn't like feeling like he had the upper hand. I needed to maintain control. I had learned this the hard way a while ago in that college frat house. I would not give up my control ever again. I stood only a few inches from him and put my hands on my hips defiantly. He couldn't make this work. There was no way around the inevitable.

"Edward there is no way this would ever work. You and your family are leaving in a couple of years right?" He thought for less than a second and then nodded his head in confirmation. "Right. So what happens if we were to fix this and be together? You would have to leave and I would barely see you. I do not think a long distance relationship could work. Even if you were to come down every weekend."

I stood silent for a second while he contemplated my thought process. When he started to speak I held up my hand and continued with what I had to say. It all needed to get out there so that he would no it was impossible.

"That's why I was thinking about changing, but even that would not work." His eyes pierced mine and he seemed to ground out his words from between his clenched teeth.

"Any why is this? Why would it not work?"

I shook my head and stated the simple facts. "It just wouldn't make a difference; I would still want to stay with my family and friends and be able to play at the coffee shops and clubs. If I turn I can no longer do that and I would be unhappy." I sighed, "You don't really want me to be unhappy do you? Isn't this why you left in the first place?"

He nodded yet again, but instead of relenting to me he started to rebut my reply to him.

"But Bella, you wanted to be changed didn't you? That's what you constantly fought with me about. And I know I wasn't willing to do it then, but I m willing to do anything for you now. Can you not see that? I just want you to be happy. Be happy with me as a part of your life." He looked at me almost pleadingly.

I sighed, not really sure what to say after that and where to take the conversation. I didn't really think that he would do anything s he said for me, but I'm sure he was willing to do a lot. If everything that I heard was true and he did really still love me then there was no way he would deny me.

But I realized that it still wasn't enough. After everything that I had been through it wasn't enough. I wasn't sure if anything he did ever would be. Was I a horrible person for feeling this way?

I guess in a way I had lost my innocence. I use to be so in love with him, in fact I still was. The only thing was now I realized that love wasn't enough. That's what happened with my parents. I couldn't believe I was just coming to this realization.

They were madly in love, but it was never enough. They tried, they tried for me, but still it was not enough. Their love for each other and their love for me could never change the fact that my mom was unhappy. She was unhappy in Forks and needed to leave to be happy; my dad was not willing to leave, therefore, they divorced so she could go and find happiness.

I didn't want to be like my mother. I was not going to go with my heart completely and allow myself to fall again. I needed to be strong this time. I needed to stay where I was because I was happy in Forks. I loved the beat the rain made on my windowsill. I loved being able to drive down to La Push and make music with the guys. I love Charlie.

I couldn't, no I wouldn't give any of that up for anyone. There was no way in hell I would just pick up and leave because I was in love. Love wasn't enough.

Edward had proven that to me for the second time in my life that love wasn't enough. That it would never be enough when he left me in the forest all those years ago. Now he was back trying to make it be enough, but now that I think about it I think he had it right the first time.

He knew he was taking things away from me and as much as I didn't care back then I cared now. I wanted to be human to be able to be around other humans. If I were to change I would loose everything I loved. I wasn't going to let my heart break for a second time.

"Bella?" I was pulled out of my thoughts once again by a velvet voice. I needed him to understand.

"Edward, I cant." I looked away unable to meet his gaze. I just needed to tell him we could only be friends, but I didn't want to hurt him. I decided for now I could defer from the complete truth and spare him. They would be leaving in a couple of years anyways.

"I just cant right now OK? Can we just go with our previous agreement to be friends for now and see where it leads?" I chanced a look up at his face, but I couldn't manage to meet his eyes.

Even though it wasn't his eyes I could still see the brokenness. I had broken him. But he conceded and gave me a slight nod before offering me his hand. I allowed him that much. I knew we would most likely blur the lines some more tonight due to the fact that I still hated sleeping by myself.

For now I could allow him to be happy. Just like I planned to eventually make Jake happy. I would try to please as many people as I could without breaking myself again. I could do this. Love might not be enough, but trust could. If trust were to fail I would always have logic. It wasn't logical to be with Edward, but it was logical to be with Jake. Although I did not love Jake in the same manner he loved me I could try.

It was like an arranged marriage. Yes that's how I could think of it. I might not love him like that yet, but I could. It would grow and become more.

For now here I was with Edward walking hand in hand back to his house.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N- Here's the second part of chapter 11**

_"Grams? What.. how…. Where am I?" I could hardly form sentences. It was all very strange and the brightness was making it harder to process my thoughts._

_"It's alright Isabella don't worry. You're in heaven. You're safe now with me."_

_My heart dropped. I was in Heaven? I… I was dead?_

Part Two Ch 11

BPOV

All of a sudden I felt a sever pain in my veins, it was slowly making it's way through my whole body. I tried to look around but all I could see was darkness.

I thought I was in heaven. Where's grams? Am I in Hell? What happened.

I tried to scream out, but it hurt to move, it hurt to try and talk. I tried to let the darkness overtake me. Maybe if I allowed it to consume me the pain would stop.

EPOV

_I had to ask myself the question though. Could I live without her for the rest of eternity?_

The answer was undeniably a no. I knew I could never survive eternity without her. I needed her with me, I needed to save her from suffering and dieing like this.

I sunk my teeth into her skin. It had to be done. I could barely hear Carlisle in the back saying that I needed to stop, that if I didn't she would die. I slowly pulled back and held her in my arms.

I looked around and knew that I had to get her back to the house. I lifted her up and ran as fast as I could to get her into a comfortable bed. Even though I knew that the transformation would be painful, I could try my best to make her more comfortable.

Alice had already left while I was putting my venom into Bella's system. The room was clean, the bed had new sheets, and there was beauty supplies next to the bed. I laid Bella down and Alice asked me to leave.

She must have seen my incredulous look on my face because she immediately spoke up.

"I need to change her and clean her up some. Once she changes we wont be able to do anything about the hair situation."

I went downstairs and waited. I didn't know what else to do. I knew that the moment I could, I would be right next to her again. I wanted to be the one that she saw when she woke again. I wanted to let her know that everything was okay, that we would be okay.

BPOV

I could hear talking. I wasn't sure where it was coming from, but it was near by.

The pain seemed to be slowly leaving my body. I had felt the worst of it a little while ago. It had hit my heart hard. Now I could feel the slow ebb of it coursing out to my hands and feet.

With the voices getting stronger I felt the strong urge to open my eyes and find out who was near me. I felt as though I needed to protect myself from some unknown danger.

Slowly I opened my eyes and all I could do was marvel at the space above me. I could see the dust particles in great detail. Had dust always looked so shinny? They were like tiny snow flakes dancing above my head.

All of a sudden I heard someone stand.

"She's awake!"

"Bella, can you hear me sweetheart?"

I turned my head to my left, and all of a sudden my body was flying to the right.

There were seven people in the room all staring at me. I couldn't understand the look on their faces. They looked like they were trying not to frighten a little kitten.

I couldn't place their faces. It's like I had seen them all in a dream once, but I couldn't remember what the dream was about or where they had come from.

The one with bronze hair started towards me slowly.

I felt my body crouch down and a loud hiss come from my lips. What the hell was going on. Did I have no control over my body.

The man stopped walking and he straightened. He stuck out his hands as if to let me know he meant no harm.

"Bella? Do you remember us?" The girl with black hair spoke.

I slowly shook my head.

The one with the bronze hair looked like he was in pain all of a sudden.

I felt bad for him, but my body wouldn't move. I needed to protect myself.

"Where am I? How did I get here?"

The tall blonde one took a step forward, then he thought better of it. "Bella you came here with us. You were injured, you hit your head on a rock. To save you, Edward" he swept his hand towards the blonde one, "had to turn you."

"Turn me, what do you mean turn me? Into what"

_Edward_ grimaced. I didn't get it, why was I feeling this way. I wanted to protect myself, but also him as well.

Chapter 12?

This is what it had come down to, I ran. I ran as far as I felt I needed… I needed to be away from these people, to think. I could hear them behind me, following me. Then all of a sudden there was nothing. They just stopped following me. I was thankful for that, I needed time to myself. I wanted to know what was going on, but I feel so confused. I found a small cave, not very deep, just enough for some shelter; somewhere I could rest and think for as long as I needed.

Memories were scrambling in my mind. There was a man and a woman, I could sort of see them, I think the man has a mustache? It's all too hazy and it hurt to focus on it.

All of a sudden there was rustling and I found my self in a crouched position. I saw leaves near me move again and I pounced, the smell was tampting me, although it wasn't like ice cream or steak, it reminded me of vegetables? You know when you smell


	13. Chapter 13

**Enjoy!**

Chapter 12 Confusion

This is what it had come down to, I ran. I ran as far as I felt I needed… I needed to be away from these people, to think. I could hear them behind me, following me. Then all of a sudden there was nothing. They just stopped following me. I was thankful for that, I needed time to myself. I wanted to know what was going on, but I feel so confused. I found a small cave, not very deep, just enough for some shelter; somewhere I could rest and think for as long as I needed.

Memories were scrambling in my mind. There was a man and a woman, I could sort of see them, I think the man has a mustache? It's all too hazy and it hurt to focus on it.

All of a sudden there was rustling and I found my self in a crouched position. I saw leaves near me move again and I pounced, the smell was tampting me, although it wasn't like ice cream or steak, it reminded me of vegetables? You know when you smell veggies and they arent really what you want, but you need to eat them anyway because you are starving… yeah that's what I felt like.

I lost myself in the feeling of liquid running down my throat. I couldn't hear, see, or feel anything other than this euphoria I was experiencing. Then it was done, there was nothing left. I dropped the thing in my hands and jumped back. _I cant believe I just did that._

Before me was a dead pig of some kind? Maybe a boar. I had just drank the blood of an animal, not only that, but I had sucked it dry and gotten blood all over myself while I was at it. While that was processing, I noticed that I felt less hungry, and less agitated. I was calmer and able to think slightly more clearly.

I sat once again and tried to focus on my thoughts and memories. They came more clearly now. I was able to remember my parents and growing up. Most of the memories were fuzzy and best, as though I was a bystander in my own life; it was an unsettling feeling, but it's how I felt none the less.

Then I saw Edward in my brain and I was hit with this overwhelming sense of longing and love. I pushed that feeling aside, I wanted to remember more. I saw Jacob and remembered what I had decided I wanted, I saw my family. With the vision of my family, I knew instantly what I was loosing, now that I was what Edward had changed me into, a vampire, I could no longer see them. I am now a never changing, never aging being. I cannot allow harm to come to them and the only way to avoid it is to stay away from them forever.

This saddened me, but I felt it was for the best. Since I now had most everything figured out it was time to figure out my biggest problem in this moment. Where would I go and who would I stay with. Although I felt this natural, yet unnatural pull towards Edward, I couldn't deny that he had betrayed me by leaving me. He left me more vulnerable than anyone would ever think possible. I know I blamed him for the rape, it was only natural at first. If he wouldn't have left, it never would have happened. I never would have been at that party. At the same time I have moved away from that blame. It's all still so confusing. I have no idea what I should do.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N Chapter 13 is a little longer. Enjoy!**

Chapter 13 Acceptance

I decided I should return to the house, maybe take a shower and put on some clean clothes. I knew they could hear my approach, yet no one tried to come out to me. They were being patient, well as patient as they could and I knew that wouldn't last. Especially with Edward, actually maybe Alice would cave first.

When I walked in they were all seated in the living room and I had no idea what to say to them. They obviously knew that I had hunted to an extent because of my clothing, but they all just stared like they weren't yet adjusted to this new me either.

Alice was the first to speak which only threw me slightly.

"There are clothes upstairs in your room, it's the first one on the left-" she said, but was cut off by another voice.

"We weren't sure if you'd want your own room or not right now, so we moved you to your own space on the third floor." I whipped my head to Edward across the room, he was looking down at his feet as though they were the most fascinating thing in the room.

I swear remorse was written all over his face and I couldn't understand why in this moment, nor did I care enough to take the time to try and figure it out. I really wanted to get out of these clothes. I nodded once and then ran upstairs. _This speed thing will take some getting use to. Maybe I should buy one of those pace things to count my steps, huh.._

I grabbed the jeans and shirt that were laid out for me and went to the in suite bathroom. I turned the water up as hot as I could, and while my skin got slightly red I couldn't feel a thing. The sentiment of a hot shower still felt nice so I relaxed under the hot stream hoping my body and mind would be at peace.

As I exited the shower I smelt him. I was on high alert even though I knew it was him.

I threw on my top and pants and then walked out slowly. He was near my sliding glass door looking out, while I was across the room at the bathroom entrance. He kept his back turned to me, but I could feel the vibration going between us,

"You're leaving." It wasn't a question, but a statement, he was so sure that I was going to pick up and leave. I wasn't as sure, but I also had no idea if I would stay.

"Before you answer, know that we can not let you harm humans. It would draw too much attention from everyone, including the Volturi". I knew this was a possibility as well. I knew there was that chance that they would have to hold me here until I could control myself.

"I haven't decided yet what I am going to do. Everything changed so fast. One moment I'm walking with you, then I'm with grams, then wham- I'm back here surrounded by all of you and thoroughly confused. Before this happened I thought I knew what I wanted, but-" He turned abruptly and looked hurt.

"You were going to leave for him weren't you? Jake, you were going back to him." He looked like the pain you see on child's face when you say you are taking away their favorite toy.

"It was definitely in my mind. I thought it was made up, but looking back I could have been swayed to stay here. Now I do not have a choice."

He looked angry like I had stepped on his feet while dancing.

"Choice? Why wouldn't you have a choice? You can do whatever you please… go to the mutt I don't care at all. Why would I? it's your life." He stormed out and my door slammed.

He never listens to anything I say and there seems to be no reasoning with him. Every time I think I know what I want something happens to make me doubt it. I know Jake wouldn't have me know, there is no way. I'm a "cold one". It wont happen, I can only hope that he finds someone else that can make him happy. That's all I want, it's all I'll ever want.

I should probably write him, tell him about the accident. Make sure he knows that they saved me, but I'll wait. Putting off the inevitable seems like something I would do. Avoid confrontation at all costs. There is no way I want him trying to come out here and find me. Kill them, maybe me as well…

That's it, it's decided. I'll stay here hide out until I'm ready to face the music. When I'm ready to tell him I'll see how it goes. If Edward doesn't want me maybe Jake will. At least he doesn't give me whiplash.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N Again I think this one is longer than both 12 and 13. I hoe you are enjoying the story and it is what you hoped for. I've learned that I can not please everyone, so I should just focus on pleasing myself. If I am happy, the people who matter will be happy too :) ****  
**

**SO there is only one more chapter after this and then it is done. I've decided to just post it all today; this way hopefully I can focus on my other stories and decide if I want to do an epilogue or not.**

Chapter 14 Confrontation

I decided it was time to go downstairs and confront Edward. Tell him what I wanted and find out what he wants too. This pull to be near him is so strong. If I can find out his thoughts maybe it'll make my decisions easier to make.

Going downstairs, I realized he wasn't in the house, he was gone. As a matter of fact so was everyone, but Alice. They must have gone hunting.

"Where did everyone go?" I whispered, trying out this new super hearing.

"Hunting, running, swimming. They all went to do different activities, to give you time, give us time to talk." She sighed loudly, annoyed, as I sat down across from her in the living area. "Edward couldn't stay out of my head. Always trying to see what I see, to see what your next move is. I made him leave so that we could talk. Discuss, maybe get to know each other again?"

That made me chuckle. She saw it, all of it. I forgot how easily she could know my next move. I'm sure it played in front of her like a movie on the big screen. She had a front row seat to my indecisive mind. She knew I was unsure. She knew when I decided, and when I changed my mind yet again.

"Are you sure you want him?" I didn't know if she was speaking of Edward or Jacob.

"I don't know." Not sure who I was talking about either, both, neither of them.

"_Jacob_, doesn't have the same connection as you and Edward do. He thinks he loves you, thinks you will imprint eventually. He'll take what he can get for now, that's what they do when they imprint anyways right? Friendship, brother, companion, lover, whatever their mate needs at the time. He thinks it'll be a stage in your relationship and one day you'll wake up and love him…" She trailed off waving her hand in the air like we were talking about what to eat for dinner.

That was a lot to process. So much that I didn't understand. I thought he was okay with casual, but if I was being honest with myself I knew that wasn't true. I had to believe it to make myself feel better about not being true to him or to myself. But what about Edward. So hot and cold, I never know what he feels.

"What about-" She cut me off abruptly.

"Edward?" I nodded my head quickly. "It's not my place to say. I can tell you about Jacob because honestly I do not care for him at all, but Edward. Well he is my brother and I love him; I wouldn't want to talk about him." She stopped taking an unnecessary breath. "Bella, what I see doesn't always happen because of peoples independent choices. Like your decision on whether or not to stay it changes rapidly until a mind is made up. With Edward it's crystal clear. We mate for life, he'll never find another. If you leave him that's it for him. He will either follow you to the end of the Earth or cease to exist all together. It's not clear what will happen, but when you think of leaving it isn't pretty."

I couldn't say anything, I was in shock, frozen still. I just stared at her. She reached out and touched my hand resting on my knee.

"I love you and my brother as well. I cannot loose him, and I will not loose my sister, my best friend, I can not loose you Bella."

I swear if she could cry she would. Hell if I could cry I would as well. I wasn't sure what to do with myself.

I just made a sniffling sound out of instinct, stood and opened my arms for a hug.

"Where is he right now?" She focused behind my shoulder and then smiled.

"He's at your thinking cave". My smile grew wider, the fact that we would pick the same spot to think.

I nodded quickly and took off, following my path from earlier that morning. I couldn't believe it was still the same day; it felt as though so much had taken place, yet I still wasn't tired at all. I guess I would never feel that need for sleep again.

I arrived at the cave and there Edward was, the top half of his body folded over his legs; arms wrapped near his knees. Trying to fold in on himself, hide from the world.

He didn't look up as I approached but I knew he sensed me. His fingers twitched towards me which made me smile wide.

"Edward, we need to talk." He looked up quickly and I knew what he thought immediately. He knew I was leaving. He knew I didn't want to stay here. He knew I wanted to go home.

"When? How long will you stay?" It all rushed out, almost sounding like one word. I was surprised at how well I could hear each individual word.

"Tomorrow, I'm going home tomorrow." I paused to take a deep breath. "I'm not sure when I will come back, or if I will."

His whole face dropped and he looked down to the ground again.

I hated confrontation and hurting people. Why couldn't people understand me ever?


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N This is the shortest of the chapters, but that is because I hate good bye's. This was my first story that I ever tried publishing. It is the first of my writing that I have ever gone public with.**

**In the future I will always write a whole story before I publish or at least make sure I want it to be a short story if I publish something smaller. **

**Like I said in chapter 12, if there is anything you want to peek at in their future let me know, and I'll see about an epilouge. I have a couple of weeks free and I hope that they continue to be as good and productive as this one. It feels good to have this complete, even though I know there could be more to the story later. There is so much that I didn't work out. The story got away from me, and being away from the characters for so long made them strangers to me again. **

**I will never post an incomplete story again. Hopefully in the future you will see more from me. I do have a couple of good ideas that draw from real life situations and are not Vampire fics, but I will probably post as Bella/Edward stories. **

**I hope to get back to Insatiable need soon! So hopefully I can get that story rolling. Luckily it's still pretty early in the story so even though I haven't written about the characters in a while it shouldn't be too hard to get to know them again.**

**Enjoy!**

Chapter 15 recognition

I chuckled, he was still looking down at his feet. He got annoyed when I laughed and jumped to his feet starting to walk towards me then push past me. I grabbed a hold of his arm before he could escape.

"Edward-" He cut me off and got right in my face, his look was that of death. If I was still human I would assume he wanted to kill me. It's so similar to the look he gave me in biology class all those years ago. Now I knew though that this was different. This was hurt and pain mixed with a bit of embarrassment.

"If your going to leave, Bella, the least you can do is not rub it in my face. Laughing at me like it was all some game. I was some stupid game to you!" He was shouting in my face now, and although he was being very hot right now with the anger and aggression I understood.

He thought I was leaving him behind. I couldn't move for a split second and he tried to pull away.

I pulled back on his arm and crashed my body to his. At the same time my lips crashed to his. This kiss was the most amazing thing I can ever remembering experiencing. It was nothing like the kisses we had shared in the past. This kiss made my entire being light on fire.

I could tell it was the same or him. At that moment we were one person. Inseparable. I didn't want this to end, ever.

I felt him pull back slightly, his hands on my forearms. He looked me in the eyes. Searching, checking that this was what he thought it was. I smiled and his whole face lit up. He held me to him and in that moment I knew he got it. He was it for me. This pull created by our souls was connecting us and it would never be broken. In that moment I was home.


End file.
